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Mass Effect Kink Meme: PART IV

"We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, the kink meme will endure."


Post your requests anonymously, and fill any prompts that catch your eye. We’re not picky around here; anything goes. Fanart or fanfic, het, femslash, slash, threesomes and moresomes, or just gen-fic; as long as it’s part of the Mass Effect universe, there’s a place for it here.

  • All posts must be anonymous, be they prompts, fills, or comments.
  • Every new prompt should be a new post. Indexing’s impossible otherwise.
  • Pictures should be linked to, not inserted directly into the meme. Be nice to people with slow connections!
  • No flames! We like a friendly atmosphere. If something’s not to your taste, just ignore it. If you see someone else causing problems, message me – don’t feed the trolls!
  • No plagiarism. Didn’t think I’d have to point that out, but some people didn’t seem to get the message. If someone’s already written a story that fills a prompt, feel free to link to it, but don’t repost it and claim it as your own.
  • No underage content. Use some basic common sense for what applies here.
  • Give back to the community! Try and write something for every prompt you leave. If you don’t think you’re up to writing, at least leave feedback on stories you enjoyed. Nobody likes putting effort into a story and getting silence in return.
  • The character limit per comment is 4300 – Break your story into 600-700 word chunks, and you shouldn’t have any problems.
  • When posting a story for an old prompt on this meme, please repost the original prompt here, then post the story as a reply to it - otherwise, everyone has to scroll past long stories to see the newest comments on a page!
  • Multiple fills are always welcome!
  • We run fill-a-thons every few weeks, during which new prompts aren’t allowed. If you post one by mistake, don’t worry – I repost them at the end of the week.
  • If your posts aren't showing up, try logging in and looking again for them - anonymous browsing sometimes causes problems for some reason.
  • It’s ‘Kaidan’, not ‘Kaiden’.

If there’s any problems or suggestions you wish to make, please PM me, and I will deal with the problem shortly. Or post them here:

Mass Effect Kink Meme: Questions and Suggestions Thread


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  • 1

Just What the Doctor Ordered 1/?

Here's the first bit, anon! I love you for thinking up this prompt! Brilliant! <3

Shepard shuffled her boots against the floor as she scooted the chair away from her personal console. Rising from her seat she found herself wondering just how long she had been there, the muscles in her back and shoulders protesting the elongating movement. Pressing her palms to her lower back she gave a more hearty stretch, though it did little to alleviate the tension. As she rotated her shoulders she idly wondered if the Lazarus Project had come with more setbacks than just eerie glowing and irregular scarring. In all her time with the Alliance she had endured her share of aches and pains, but she couldn't recall ever finding herself feeling so thoroughly rigid. Granted, the stress level had been amped up quite a few notches since those days but it was usually nothing a good workout couldn't fix.

What's worse is it made it terribly difficult for her to get a good nights sleep when she actually found the time to do so. She had shared the concern with Dr. Chakwas and the older woman merely smiled in amusement and told her all she needed was to relax. Shepard knew she meant it as a joke as much as genuine advice. Shepard, relax? The two words seemed as foreign together as 'Krogan' and 'tact'. It was really no wonder that Shepard held all the tension in her shoulders when there was the future of the universe and millions of Reapers weighing down on them.

So, like most things that couldn't be helped, Shepard just dealt with it.

She never suspected anyone else might notice. After all, she already had kind of a stiff manner of moving about; a strict posture learned from her days in the military. She hunched when she sat, elbows rested on legs firmly planted to the floor with no hint at femininity. It was something she had never really considered until she returned to the ship after assisting Kasumi at Donovan Hock's estate. Luckily, she had been in the company of the thief herself when she planted herself on the couch in that very manner and Kasumi politely pointed out that the Commander might not want to give the crewmen a similar show. Shepard had hastily returned to her cabin and tossed the dress in the closet in favor of her less compromising fatigues, thoroughly mortified.

If she suspected anyone to notice the subtle change in her demeanor she would have thought it would be Kelly, or at the very least Mordin, being the only other doctor on board,

Joker always had an uncanny way of catching her off guard.

“Is there a problem, Commander?” he noted, sounding bemused as he scanned through some status reports in the cockpit.

“What?” Shepard asked, unaware of what he was referring to as she shifted her weight. Without thinking she had leaned against the pilot's chair to remove some of the tension from her back when she came up for the routine check-in with him. When the discomfort subsided with the posture, she had remained there a little longer than normal. Joker was quick to notice this, if only because she wouldn't stop figiting and it was driving him crazy.

“You've been hovering there for awhile now and I can feel every little move you're making.”

“Am I not allowed to look at the reports, Joker? Something you don't want me to see?” she teased and moved to stand straight again. Her breath hitched as she felt her shoulders resist painfully when she tried to square them back. This time Joker glanced to the side in her direction though he could only see her in his peripherals.

“You finally pulled something, huh?”

“It's nothing.”

“Mmhmm,” Joker hummed with a humoring tone of utter disbelief.

“Chakwas says I just need to relax. So, you know, I'll get to a day-spa, stat – provided they still exist by the time I get there. Oh, and by the way, you don't need to sound so pleased about it.”

“Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see you in traction or anything, but it's good to know you're still human,” he said with a chuckle as he turned back to the console.

“Yeah, keep laughing. Just think of how the Reapers will react when I hobble out of the Normandy hunched over like a grouchy old woman with a shotgun.”

“We could get you a cane. Then you can shake it at them and tell them to get off our lawn,” Joker grinned up at her.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 1/?

Not the OP but this is adorable. Keep up the good work.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 1/?

I'm the Op and seeing this just made my day xD This is adorable lol. I love the image of granny shep roflmao I'm glad you liked the prompt <3

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 1/?

Granny Shepard. Cane and shotgun. Someone please draw this!

Just What the Doctor Ordered 2/?

“So, to defeat the Reapers we just need an army of pissed off geriatrics? That would be a sight and a half.”

“Let my great-grandfather at them and he'll war-story them into oblivion.”

“I happen to like war stories,” Shepard pointed out.

“You say that, but it's a different matter altogether when you're confined to a bed and can't run away after the fiftieth round of 'and that's why my 'boys' don't swim like they used to.' Shepard grimaced a little but offered him a crooked smile. “Trust me, your war stories will be far more interesting. You get to tell all the kids about how you flew with a celebrity.”

“And he was so talented and modest, too.” Joker gave a smooth shrug.

“It's a curse.”

“I'm starting to think this is, that's for sure,” she huffed, gripping her shoulder and rotating her arm.

“Like you said, that's nothing. All you need to do is loosen up.”

“Because that's so easy.”

“It is. You think I don't have my stiff days?”

“Considering your extranet history, I'd bet on it, actually.”

“Har, har. Thanks a lot, EDI,” the pilot said sourly to the AI's holographic globe.

“It is standard protocol to provide the Commander with status reports of her crew,” EDI stated. “May I suggest you focus your attention on assisting Shepard? Your personal file states that you have undergone numerable therapeutic sessions due to your condition. Perhaps she might find some of this information useful.”

“Hey, she's right,” Shepard said, stepping down by the pilot's chair now. “Do you have any ideas for some exercises I could do?”

“Well, yeah, but a lot of the muscle therapy I went through involved massage. AKA: requires two people.”

Shepard shrugged mildly as her shoulders would not allow for much more. “Okay, So help me out, then.”

Joker looked up at her, eyes squinting as if he were trying to gauge whether or not her statement was a test or a trap. His fingertips hovered over the console, flexing just a little as he tried to think of a proper response.

“It involves touching, you know. On your skin. I'd need to be able to feel the muscles.” His eyes darted up and down her form once.

“Yes, I've gotten a massage before,” Shepard said wryly.

“I'm going to have my hands,” he lifted them, indicating. “On you. In a rather intimate fashion. Touching and rubbing and why the hell am I even still talking??”

“It's a habit of yours,” Shepard said, amused. “Come on up to my cabin when you get a chance and help me get these kinks worked out.” She patted the back of his chair and turned to go. Joker listened to her retreating footsteps and leaned back, glancing up at the ceiling and trying not to grin at the all the implications of her parting words. He suspected that she didn't even know how often she let the unintentional innuendos fly, or how much it left him snickering like a young boy who had heard his first dirty joke. All that aside, though, he was a little surprised that she had actually asked him for such a favor. Sure, they had developed a certain level of camaraderie that allowed for the usual strictness of their Commander and Pilot relationship to wane. But Shepard was still Shepard and it had never crossed his mind that some day she would outwardly ask him to rub his hands all over her.

Okay, that was a lie. He HAD thought about it. Numerous times. But no one knew.

Besides, there weren't even any blindfolds and oils involved......


“EDI, take the controls. I'm going to go feel up the Commander,” he said with the most serious tone he could muster. It was all he could do to keep a straight face as he limped towards the elevator, keeping a casual and steady pace so as not to attract too much attention. As soon as he was away from curious eyes, he sped up his pace as much as his legs would allow and entered the elevator.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 2/?

This is fabulous so far, you write them so well!

Heh, oh Joker. It's a massage! If you can find some oils you should totally get away with getting them involved.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 2/?

Points for oils lol

I'm the op and this is my favourite story on the kinkmeme. ;P

Just What the Doctor Ordered 3/?

Shepard kicked off her boots as she sat on the edge of her bed and waited for Joker to arrive. She reached over and plucked a glass off the side table, downing the last of the red wine in the bottom. Though it wasn't a cure, the alcohol numbed out some of her aches or at the very least numbed out her head so she didn't think about it as much. As she looked into the now empty glass she supposed it probably wasn't the best idea to be drinking when her pilot was going to come up and, basically, get all touchy feely. It wasn't as though she had drunk enough to lose her head, not a lightweight in the slightest. At the worst it made her feel warm and a little bit pleasantly fuzzy.

She had almost completely drowned out the voice in her head that was trying to tell her Joker had a habit of being a perv. She had looked at the videos he had been watching on the extranet out of curiosity. At the very least she could say his tastes weren't boring. It was nothing she would ever hold against him. In the haze of her thoughts she remembered noticing that he seemed to have a fondness for a particular type of woman in most the videos. Not exotic Asari or girls with racks that threatened back problems in the near future. It was a human that seemed distinctly familiar, but she couldn't quite place where she had seen the features before.

There was no time to ponder on it as EDI informed her that Joker was awaiting entry. She unlocked the door by tapping the panel near the bed and gave him a small wave as he entered.

“Hope you don't mind if I don't get up,” she said, leaning over with her elbows on her knees once more. It probably wasn't the best posture for her problem, but it was the least uncomfortable at the moment.

“By all means,” Joker waved a dismissive hand as he surveyed her cabin for the first time. “Not like I rise every time you walk in the cockpit.”

“I hope this isn't terribly awkward for you,” she mentioned as he paused at the top of the step leading to her bedroom. He crossed his arms and leaned on the beam there. Shepard inwardly commended him for having the courtesy to not enter her sleep-space without being invited.

“Giving my Commander a therapeutic massage? Naw. I won't be having dreams about this later at all,” he let a smirk cross his lips.

“You are going to behave yourself, right?” she cocked a brow at him playfully. “I'm honestly looking for help with a serious problem here.”

“I always behave,” Joker replied without missing a beat. When Shepard rolled her eyes at him he tilted his head back and to one side, obligingly. “Okay, fine. I promise I won't boldly go where no man has gone before.”

“Either you're implying I've never been laid or trying to work in a loophole, there, Joker.”

“Me?” Joker looked at her, pressing a hand to his chest in with a dramatic, incredulous tone. “But, really, in all seriousness, I won't do anything you don't want me to, okay? Just helping out my Commander.”

“Good. Now come on down and tell me what I need to do.”

“You should remove your shirt.”


“No, I'm being completely professional, here.” Joker's inner self promptly began cackling insanely at the remark he had just made; even HE couldn't tale himself seriously. “Just turn around and I won't see a thing.”

It was Shepard's turn to eyeball Joker searching for a hidden agenda. She seemed to find his expression earnest enough and turned from his view to remove her tank top. Joker carefully descended the two steps and carefully settled down on the bed behind her. As he began to search for the tense spots of her torso, he took notice of all the newly formed scars that graced her skin. Barely alive for a few months and already she had forged new ones to replace those that Cerberus has erased. His Commander was very hard on her body and it was no wonder that it finally began to retaliate on her. Joker's fingertips casually brushed over the marks thoughtfully as he studied her bodily structure. He caught himself smiling as he admired them and thought about how they looked so natural on her.

“So, what's the word?” Shepard spoke up, glancing back at him just slightly.

Hot, soft, rough, beautiful, sexy, pick one, he mused.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 3/?

awww Joker he's just so squee you write them really well please keep going this is so nice.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 3/?

Im totally f5ing atm

jus' saying...

Just What the Doctor Ordered 4/?

“Nothing you're not already aware of. You're rigid as hell.”

“I've heard that one before,” Shepard murmured as the pilot's thumbs nudged their way along either side of her spine. He smiled at her remark. “Anything you can do?”

“Whenever I got this bad it usually took more than one session to make a difference. Best I can do is offer you some temporary relief.” Shepard was only half listening to what he said, eyes closed and her her cheek in her hand as she let his fingers work. It had been a long time since she had gotten any pampering like this and she had forgotten how heavenly it was. Joker wasn't putting a great deal of pressure into his ministrations, but he knew what areas to tackle and how to knead the muscle into submission with little effort. And, hell, she had to admit the human contact by itself was rather nice.

“So....,” she hummed softly. “Why did you learn all this if it was you needing the therapy?”

“So I had an excuse to give my Commander a massage when she finally asked me.” Shepard rolled her eyes at his humor but couldn't seem to wipe the smile off her face at such a typical Joker response. “They didn't actually teach me. I just picked it up. Learning about the muscle and skeletal structure just helps me keep my condition in check. If I know what to look out for, what to do or not do, it just makes life easier.” His fingers brushed between her shoulder blades and down her spine and she instinctively stretched with the subtle pressure there. “Geez, when you were talking about being a hunched over old granny, I thought you were kidding.”

“Problem?” Shepard perked up a little, sitting straight again.

“Not yet, but if you get this knotted up all the time you're going to have an issue later.”

“You sound kind of irritated,” Shepard teased, noting his almost condescending tone.

“I'm just sayin' you need to take care of yourself. Even YOUR body has its limits, you know. Put your arms up, please.”

“Didn't know you were so concerned.” She did as asked and felt his the palms of one of his hands rolling up against the small of her back. The other reached up and patted her arms.

“Put your hands on my shoulders,” he instructed and as she reached back to do so he kept the pressure of his palm where it was, bowing her back into his hand. “Just like that, good.” Shepard blinked as she felt the pilot's breath grace the nape of her neck. She promptly ignored a rather prominent chill that coursed through her, concentrating instead on how the ball of his hand rubbed in small circles slowly along the length of her spine. “Use my shoulders if you need to, but I want you to stretch a little more here...” He emphasized the curve of her back by tracing his fingertips over the shape of it. Shepard's own fingers gripped at the shoulders of his uniform, though it wasn't because she needed more leverage. “Just hold that.... “ And so she did, trying in vain to focus on the stretching and not Joker's mouth so close to her skin she could almost feel every word he said. She might have scolded him for using the opportunity to get so intimately close to her, except that she could feel the posture was working. His hands coaxed her strains into something lesser, and he seemed genuinely focused on everything he was doing.

Shit, she thought, All that worrying about Joker being a perv and I'm the one getting all hot and bothered. How embarrassing.

When one of his palms found the taut muscles of her stomach she about jumped out of her skin.

“Whoa, hey, sorry,” he said as she startled and huddled into herself, glancing over her shoulder at him. She raised an eyebrow, thoroughly aware that she had begun to turn bright red but refusing to outwardly acknowledge it. Maybe if she played it off as nothing he wouldn't notice. Joker held up his hands defensively. “See, it's tension like that that's the problem.”

“What were you doing?”

“Going to stretch your back the other direction...? What did you think?” Shepard's eyes glanced down and then back up at him and he reached up to adjust his cap with one hand. “Really, Commander? Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Shepard's mouth gaped open and closed like one of the fish in her tank before she clamped it shut. If it were possible, she felt her cheeks grow hotter.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 4/?

This is so awesome!!! I can't freaking wait for more!

Just What the Doctor Ordered 5/?

“Just trust me a little bit, okay?”

“!” Shepard's head was a whirlwind of confusion about how to respond to him. As she sputtered in rage he merely placed his hand back on her stomach again, distracting her, and then coaxed her to lean over it with the other hand. Once she had bowed he brushed his fingers from her stomach and worked them over her lengthened back.

“Simple as that,” he commented and Shepard clenched her fists against the bedding, glad for the fact the position had her hair hiding her face. After a moment or two he allowed her back into an upright position, hands going to work on her shoulders and neck. Shepard knew there had been something she had planned to say to him just then, a good tongue lashing she suspected, but somehow she couldn't recall it. The tender kneading of her aching muscles made her mind go blank. It was blissful for the few seconds it lasted. “Care to share?”

“What?” she asked with a small grunt.

“What, exactly, you thought I was going to do.” She didn't even have to look at him to know he was grinning ear to ear.

“No,” she huffed.

“Spoil-sport,” he chuckled. “Wrap your arms around yourself, hands on your shoulders,” Shepard brought her arms criss-cross over her chest and wondered what this would do. “Now, don't freak out on me.” Joker's arms wrapped up around her frame, overlaying her arms as he swiveled them both to one side in a torso twist. Shepard ducked her head a little and closed her eyes as her body followed his guidance. For a brief moment she found herself realizing just how strong Joker's arms felt around her, subtly powerful despite the underlying weakness of his bones. She never considered herself the snuggling type but there was something comforting about the embrace, even if it was just part of an exercise. As they turned to perform the twist the opposite way, she decided to allow herself to feel the comfort of the gesture, even if it would be brief.

Joker's chin, unmistakably rough, rested just lightly against her shoulder and she felt the tips of his fingers absently caressing her arms. With his chest pressed firmly to her back, the slow, deep sigh he gave was hard to ignore.

“Joker?” she murmured, opening her eyes just a little.

“Mhmm?” His voice rumbled through his chest against her. Shepard's eyes drifted to his profile just as he opened his own eyes, blinking as if he had been asleep. When they turned to meet hers he leaned back and let his arms pull from her. “Sorry. I haven't stretched in awhile. Felt nice.”

“Honestly, it did. I'm starting to feel a lot better,” Shepard agreed and then paused a moment in thought. “How long has it been since you had a massage?” He shrugged lightly.

“Awhile.... I mostly do solo exercises these days. Basic things. Not nearly as nice as this.”

“I see. Turn around.”

“What did I do?”

“Nothing,” Shepard laughed lightly. “Just turn around, and take your shirt off.”

“Clearly nothing can go wrong if it starts with that statement,” Joker concluded and did as asked, making sure to put his cap back on even once his uniform shirt was removed. Shepard shook her head – he really did live in that thing. Shepard scooted up behind him and brushed her hands over the muscles of his back, getting a feel for their structure as he had done with her prior. His muscles were taut, but relaxed faster than hers as soon as she began kneading his flesh. His shoulders slumped as he leaned on his knees, all but melting with the attention.

“You're pretty tight yourself up here,” she said as she moved her attention to his neck and shoulders, finding most his tension there.

“Hey, I sit in front of a console all day. Kind of happens”

Shepard nodded, forgetting that he couldn't actually see it. Her eyes wandered his back and noticed the definition of the muscles in his shoulders and arms, admiring them despite herself. She watched as he leaned into her touches, pressing back against the massaging as she knelt behind him. As she brushed against the thickness of his biceps, she found one of his hands covering her own. She paused as he softly traced between her knuckles with his fingertips, gently lacing their fingers together before squeezing gently.

"You alright...?" she asked quietly.


Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 5/?

Awwwww cuddly joker unf <3

I love the way your write shepard it's really in character and realistic.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 5/?

I would love to know what Joker was thinking when he sweet do continue anon

Just What the Doctor Ordered 6/?

“Certain?” she prodded, the way he flexed his fingers between hers making her oddly anxious.

“Weeell,” he drawled, looking at her over his shoulder. His lips pulled into an impish smile. “I have something to confess.” Shepard found herself feeling quite muddled about the way he said those words. Though her gut's instant reaction was to flip-flop in interesting ways, the look on his face also made her skin crawl in terribly pleasurable ways.

“What?” she felt her mouth form the word of its own accord. Joker's smile grew wider and the light glimmered into the blue of his eyes.

”I aim to misbehave,” he replied.

“I....” Shepard's brow furrowed and she felt herself scowl. “You said...”

“Yes, but that was before you decided to get your lady pillows all up on this,” he noted, seeming barely able to contain a laugh. Shepard was sure she had absolutely no clue what he was talking about until she took a second to survey the situation. As the pilot fondly patted her hand still locked with his own she became thoroughly aware just how personal they had become in the last few minutes. There she was, bare breasts planted firmly against his back, caught up in his winsome little maneuvers. With a brand new rush of crimson claiming not only her face, but her neck and chest, all she could think to do was bury her face against his shoulder and pretend to disappear.

“Honestly...,” she heard Joker give an exaggerated exhale. He was moving from her and all she could think to do was find a way to cover up now that his back was no longer between them. Before she could find the blankets, however, she was in his arms with his head in the crook of her shoulder. “You get so worked up about everything. No wonder you can't relax.” His hands were at her back again, softly kneading the flesh there in lazy circles. Shepard pursed her lips as her head bowed against his shoulder, hands limp where she had let them fall.

Her head swam as she tried to decipher exactly how she had gotten here. She had asked Joker to assist her with a bodily complaint, and readily accepted his offer for a massage. Hell, she had even stripped halfway bare for him despite her initial reservations because she really did trust him. Part of her expected his teasing and inappropriate comments, but none of her expected any of this. He hadn't done anything to warrant how she was feeling, the heat and the subtle trickles of sweat on her skin. All he had done was touch her, hold her, soothe her and joke around with her, and that's all it took to have her pulse racing. Maybe that was why she continued to endure the embarrassment instead of ordering him out of her quarters. Maybe that's why she felt a little less Commander and a little more woman. Maybe that's why even the musky, Joker-scent of his cap, which she was almost sure he showered in at this point, was only adding to the irrational thoughts in her head.

Slowly, she pulled back and dared a look at him. His hands rested at her hips as she moved and he regarded her with questioning, concerned eyes. He quickly earned points for not letting his eyes stray for a glance at her breasts, though Shepard found her own eyes fixating on his lips when they parted to speak.

“Better....?” he asked and Shepard offered the smallest quirk of her lips which seemed to say enough for him. He noticed that her eyes weren't quite focused on his but couldn't decide what she was looking at. He sure hoped it wasn't his beard and she planned to tell him to shave. He had worked too hard growing it. When she did lift her gaze to him again he became puzzled as to why he felt compelled to flee, as if he was being regarded by a dangerous predator. “Should I go?”

“No,” came the instant response, almost before he had finished the question. “I need you to stay.”

“Why?” Shepard almost laughed when he cocked a brow and glanced at the ceiling, as if he wasn't entirely sure why he had asked that and was consulting his brain about it.

“Because I aim to misbehave....,” she replied and leaned into him, pressing her parted lips slowly up against his. He breathed a warm, shuddering sigh against her mouth and returned the gesture, the quiet, wet noises leading to longer, deeper kisses.


So glad you guys are enjoying this! I love writing Joker and snuggly Joker is so adorable to picture. Hope I didn't wander off from the main prompt too much!

I also haven't forgotten the tasty parts ;) more of that coming soon!

And yes, that is a Firefly reference. (FTW!)

Re: AuthorAnon

this is awesome you write them so well hoping for more :p love the firefly reference :)

Re: AuthorAnon

lol tasty parts

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Just What the Doctor Ordered 7/?

Joker had made it a point to never question the good things in life. To be honest, with his Commander kissing him like she was, it was hard to dwell on anything else. Even if his brain could function at that moment, he doubted it would be able to provide proper response for how, exactly, he had managed to get in this position. He idly conjured up scenarios like this in his head all the time when they would talk. Shepard would come in, ask him a question about his opinion of the team she had assembled, he'd give it, and then reality would skew a bit and she'd say 'Enough about them. What do you think of me? Is this uniform too revealing? No? Let me fix that.' Now, here she was in the flesh right in front of him seemingly ready to make his dreams come true.

“I'll be right back. second.” He felt the words pass from her lips against his and about tumbled over as she scooted off the bed and bee-lined for the bathroom. He blinked once or twice and scratched his head at his temple so his hat sat crooked. He wondered for a moment if he had done something wrong, but finally decided that maybe she just really needed to go. As far as he could recall women were terrible about holding it – though he couldn't blame her for not wanting to should they get...well...heavy.

As the door slid shut, he took a moment to appreciate her cabin, particularly fond of the models in the case (the Normandy was the best one, of course). The table beside her bed caught his eye and he stole a quick glance at the bathroom before scooting over to it and sneaking a peek in the drawer. At first glance there was nothing of interest, no secret frilly undergarments like he had hoped, but his wishes didn't go entirely unfulfilled. Reaching inside he pulled out an obscure looking bottle, the consistency of its contents like cream. The label had little on it except some handwritten scribbles. Curious, the pilot popped the cap and sniffed, noting a pleasant but mild scent. Lotion? He skimmed the writing again for some verification and found that it was supposed to prevent chafing or something. He wasn't entirely sure; the writing was chicken-scratch at best. There was one word that he could make out clearly, though, and it made him grin like he was the devil himself.

Shepard told herself she shouldn't remain in the bathroom too much longer in case it gave Joker the misconception she was hiding from him or having other, more TMI troubles. She had been assessing her features and flaws in the mirror ever since the door had closed. When she had kissed the pilot she felt both passionate and self-conscious. It wasn't as though she expected that Joker was suddenly going to judge her, but she hadn't been intimate with anyone in a long awhile and something inside her wanted this to be right. Because it wasn't just was sex with him, a man she had been to hell and back with. She knew she probably shouldn't care about how messy her hair was or how muscle replaced some of the sultry, soft curves she might have had. These were worries unfit to be had by Commander Shepard, she decided.

Joker's fingers had already proven that they rather liked her as she was.

Squaring back her shoulders as though she was heading into battle (for once in a long while they didn't ail her), she moved to return to the matter at hand....

….and about tripped over her own feet when she saw Joker. She had left him looking at a loss for words but what she saw stole any she may have had right off her tongue. Back against the beam by the step, his lean and deceptively athletic looking form was highlighted by the ghostly blue of the aquarium. His eyes were shadowed by the bill of his cap while his head bowed, but it wasn't exactly his eyes that were catching her attention. When she heard him speak she hastily tore her eyes from where they were lingering at the waistline of his pants.

“Eyes are up here, Commander,” he said, obviously humored. Shepard made to formulate a quick defense that she wasn't looking at what he thought she was – no, not the way his chest led to that firm stomach or how his back arched into an ass she never got to see because it was always planted in that damn chair!

“Damn that chair!” she said sourly.

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 7/?

damn that chair indeed!

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 7/?



Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 7/?

No update yet? *sets up camp*

Re: Just What the Doctor Ordered 7/?

*joins camp*

LOL CAPTCHA: manhood kinko

captcha wants more too!

Just What the Doctor Ordered 8/?

“Right...,” Joker said slowly. “I'm going to ignore your sudden declaration of war on furniture because I'm too happy right now.” He bobbed his brows and waggled a bottle that he had in one of his hands. Shepard instantly recognized it and, despite all that had already happened, couldn't help but feel a little intruded upon.

“Is a little privacy too much to ask?” Joker didn't even attempt to reply but instead gave her a strained look that said 'Really, Shepard....? Really....?'

“Let's use it.”

“What?” Shepard asked, a surprised laugh sneaking into her voice. She really didn't want to explain to him the whole misunderstanding that had led to her acquisition of the lotion in the first place. The bottle had been flung into the table drawer just like the dress had been tossed into the closet, both having caused her a similar amount of embarrassment. Leave it to Joker to dig it right back out. Next thing she knew he would be asking her to put the nightmare dress on as well.

The pilot closed what little gap there was between them and she felt his hand resting gently at the curve of her hip, thumb slightly brushing her skin. He studied her eyes a moment before she saw him ever so slightly bite at his lower lip.

“I'll make it worth your while...,” he said in a hushed tone that easily sent a wave of heat through her body, making her almost entirely forget how much of a pain in the ass he could be.

“You're insufferable,” she said, allowing a sly smile to cross her lips.

“You wouldn't have it any other way,” he said and stepped around behind her. Shepard jolted as she felt a gentle, yet firm slap to her rear end.

“Joker!” she exclaimed, more amused than harsh.

“What? I don't know what you're talking about.” When his hands found her skin again they were slick and warm, gliding effortlessly over her shoulders and back. It didn't take long for Shepard to realize that her initial kiss had made Joker bolder. His fingertips traced the curves of her hip bones and dared to delve just slightly into her pants against the creases of her thighs. The way he brushed his cheek against her neck with the occasional light kiss to her skin came as natural and fearless as his actions when he was piloting the Normandy.

Gradually, he turned her head to face him, guiding her around by her hip. He caught her eyes briefly with his own before brushing his parted lips over hers. Absorbed in his heat, Shepard began to delve into his mouth with her tongue and pressed up against him. Caught off guard, Joker stumbled backward until he was sandwiched between her in the wall, grunting with the impact. Shepard quickly pulled away and glanced over his form as he stood hunched over.

“Are you okay?” she asked tentatively.

“Just...hold on..” He huffed and slowly began to straighten his posture. Shepard gnawed on her lower lip and obliged when he brushed her hands away when she attempted to help him.

“Is anything broken?” she asked when his head remained bowed for more than a few minutes. He glanced up at the question and removed his hand from where it had been cradling his side. His jaw was set firm, brows furrowed, though his eyes wouldn't focus on hers.


“I'll be fine,” he replied stubbornly.

“No, you need to go to the med bay.”

“Shepard, it's not-”

“That's an order, Joker.” He looked at her hard and she knew he probably hated her use of position to make him do what he didn't want to. If he had fractured something she knew she was responsible. She wasn't about to leave him in pain because he felt too obstinate to get it checked out, serious or not. She was relieved to see him finally turn to go, until she suddenly found herself pinned up against the wall.

“I'm not leaving, Shepard,” Joker breathed, hands on either side of her against the wall while his eyes bore into hers. She opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her with another kiss which she couldn't help but return. When he pulled back, it was only enough so he could speak against her lips. “I have never let my condition stop me from doing anything... So, please.... don't ask me to now....especially now."

Hope you're still enjoying this OP anon. I know it's gotten kind of long and drawn-out! Joker's just a tease like that! Passionate scenes ahead, I promise!

Not the OP but.. (Anonymous) Expand
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