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Mass Effect Kink Meme: PART IV

"We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, the kink meme will endure."


Post your requests anonymously, and fill any prompts that catch your eye. We’re not picky around here; anything goes. Fanart or fanfic, het, femslash, slash, threesomes and moresomes, or just gen-fic; as long as it’s part of the Mass Effect universe, there’s a place for it here.

  • All posts must be anonymous, be they prompts, fills, or comments.
  • Every new prompt should be a new post. Indexing’s impossible otherwise.
  • Pictures should be linked to, not inserted directly into the meme. Be nice to people with slow connections!
  • No flames! We like a friendly atmosphere. If something’s not to your taste, just ignore it. If you see someone else causing problems, message me – don’t feed the trolls!
  • No plagiarism. Didn’t think I’d have to point that out, but some people didn’t seem to get the message. If someone’s already written a story that fills a prompt, feel free to link to it, but don’t repost it and claim it as your own.
  • No underage content. Use some basic common sense for what applies here.
  • Give back to the community! Try and write something for every prompt you leave. If you don’t think you’re up to writing, at least leave feedback on stories you enjoyed. Nobody likes putting effort into a story and getting silence in return.
  • The character limit per comment is 4300 – Break your story into 600-700 word chunks, and you shouldn’t have any problems.
  • When posting a story for an old prompt on this meme, please repost the original prompt here, then post the story as a reply to it - otherwise, everyone has to scroll past long stories to see the newest comments on a page!
  • Multiple fills are always welcome!
  • We run fill-a-thons every few weeks, during which new prompts aren’t allowed. If you post one by mistake, don’t worry – I repost them at the end of the week.
  • If your posts aren't showing up, try logging in and looking again for them - anonymous browsing sometimes causes problems for some reason.
  • It’s ‘Kaidan’, not ‘Kaiden’.

If there’s any problems or suggestions you wish to make, please PM me, and I will deal with the problem shortly. Or post them here:

Mass Effect Kink Meme: Questions and Suggestions Thread


MassKink, Part One / MassKink, Part Two / MassKink, Part Three / MassKink, Part Four / MassKink, Part Five / MassKink, Part Six / MassKink, Part Seven / MassKink, Part Eight / MassKink, Part Nine / MassKink, Part Ten

MassKink ME3, Part One / MassKink ME3, Part Two

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  • 1

Minor Complications (1/?) Sequel to "Just What the Doctor Ordered"

It was as if she didn't understand the concept of 'shut up'.

Joker kept his lips pressed firmly to his Commander's as the thought meandered through the back of his mind. A light brush of his fingers over her shoulder reminded him how well their 'sessions' had been working. Her muscles were lax, soft and receptive to the occasional kneading of his palms, but despite nearly eleven (or was it twelve....,? He couldn't recall) 'sessions', she still seemed as wound up as ever. The quiet, everything-is-under-control Commander he saw in the cockpit every day gave way to someone a little more human whenever he had her tangled up with him in her bed. She was riddled with concerns, fears, and perfectly well-placed anxiety; everything he would have expected a sane person to feel in her position. It wasn't as though she turned into an emotional train-wreck whenever she called him to her cabin...or into a wayward nook where no one could see. In fact, she expressed her concerns to him in a thoroughly professional demeanor - if you didn't count the fact they were usually nude.

The point was that she talked until she ran herself in logic circles and he could see the stress ravaging her right in front of him. So he made her stop and helped her forget about it for a few hours. Bemused, he wondered what she would ever do without him.

“I should probably get back to the cockpit...,” he told her in the stillness of her cabin as he traced the shadows on her cheek with a finger. Shepard's eyes searched his face as she lay with her lips parted and softly swollen with his kisses. He noticed that she looked at him like that a lot lately, though he wasn't entirely sure what she might be looking for. “You need to get some sleep.” Even after announcing his departure, Joker never rushed himself to leave. He rested his head on a hand and watched her a moment longer, not arguing in the slightest when she leaned up and kissed him one more time. Even with everything they had been doing he still found he loved the 'one more' kisses best. This one seemed different.

“Stay,” came the solitary word after their lips parted.

“What...? Here?” he asked.

“No, the closet. Yes, 'here', Jeff.”

“What about the Normandy?”

“EDI can handle it...,” Shepard replied, laying back and snuggling into the bedding. He had to admit, it definitely looked more comfortable than the standard issue crew's sleeping quarters. Still, this was the first time she had invited him to stay for the remainder of the cycle and he may have wondered why if he wasn't so damn beat and she didn't look so damn inviting.

“Fine. I guess I can live with it,” he gave an over-dramatic sigh and gently flopped into the pillows, grinning when she arched a brow and smirked at him. “You don't toss in your sleep do you?”

“I don't know. Ask my fish,” she said. “I don't usually share the bed.”

“That could be disastrous,” he grimaced a little at the idea of waking up with multiple fractures. He wouldn't put it past Shepard to be a sleep-fighter, either. Snaking his hand beneath the covers he tugged at her hip. “Come here.”

“What?” she squirmed and bit her lip. Joker knew this was one of her ticklish spots and enjoyed taking advantage of it whenever he could.

“We're spooning so you don't break every bone in my body before morning.”

“Spooning?” Shepard asked, sounding as if she found the idea ridiculous. Joker gave her a playfully sour look.

“Oh, I get it. You just want me for awesome sex... But when it comes to snuggling, you just want to roll over and go to sleep.” He laid back and put his hands over his face with a mock sob. “I'm going home to mother.”

“Shush,” Shepard said, nudging his shoulder as she scooted over to oblige him. “I just don't spoon, okay? And please, do not make a joke about forking or I'll have to kill you.” Joker split a grin ear to ear and gave her a small salute before embracing her when she got close enough.

“Good...?” He pressed an affectionate kiss to the back of her shoulder as she settled her head carefully on his arm.

“Yeah..,” she replied quietly, getting used to the feeling of his warmth behind her. It was strange, but rather comforting. “You?” Joker made a vague noise behind her, but didn't actually answer. He had already fallen asleep.

Re: Minor Complications (1/?) Sequel to "Just What the Doctor Ordered"

I'm OP ( not the OP of the original request, but the one who requested a sequel)



Op of the original

This is so sweet and awesome :3 You are so great at writing them!!!!

Re: Minor Complications (1/?) Sequel to "Just What the Doctor Ordered"

I'm also a follower of your femshep/joker fics and I'm so excited for this! Can't wait to read the next parts :D

Minor Complications (2/?)

Even when he was a young boy, Joker never really enjoyed sleeping in. When the majority of your days were spent in a bed sleeping was really the last thing you wanted to do. So when he awoke with his face crammed into a pillow and his mouth dry with a swath of drool on his jaw in his Commander's quarters he was more than a little surprised. Sitting up with bleary eyes he wiped his face with the back of a hand and searched for any sign of Shepard. When he found nothing and glanced at the clock he realized she had more than likely started her day hours ago, but had not bothered to wake him.

Shoving the covers aside and slowly rising onto his bare feet, he moved to gather up the clothes that had been unceremoniously strewn around Shepard's room. When he reached the shower; Shepard had insisted he keep himself properly 'fresh' when he returned to the cockpit; he took a second to look at himself in the mirror.

“EDI,” he called out, wondering just how the hell he had gotten such miraculous bed-head.

“Yes, Jeff?” her heard her reply from the holo at the main entrance.

“Why didn't you wake me up?” he asked as he tried to force his hair into obeying the laws of gravity but ultimately failing.

“The Commander requested that you remain undisturbed. I have been able to maintain our systems in your nine hours, fifteen minute, and thirty five second absence.”

Nine hours...?? he grouched in his head. “Thanks for the rundown, there, EDI. Now, can you do me another favor?”

“If I am capable.”

“Can you tell me where the hell my boxers are?”


Never. Never had he been late to his shift. True, it was usually because he was sleeping in the cockpit in the first place, but that didn't numb the minor anxiety he felt when he caught some of the attention of the crew on his way there. They all knew he basically lived in his chair, so what ever had compelled him to actually leave it and not return until the late afternoon was an intriguing mystery. Up until now his meetings with Shepard had been discrete and he was always back to work before anyone, save EDI, was the wiser. It wasn't that he was ashamed of their increasingly frequent encounters, quite the contrary even, but he also wasn't the type to broadcast it to the world. No one needed to know that the pilot with the creaky legs was probably getting more than anyone else on the ship...with the Commander...the incredibly insatiable Shepard.

He bit his lip and let his eyes roll back in his head at the newly formed memories.

“Mr. Moreau.” The stern tone made him readjust his posture out of habit, though a second later he knew who it was. He turned his chair to greet his Commander. “Little late, aren't we?” Her arms were crossed over her chest, brow cocked in what he knew to be mock seriousness.

“Yes, well. I couldn't find my boxers, Commander.”

“It's no concern of mine when you misplace your underwear, Joker,” she said with a perfectly professional tone that cloaked the fact she had tugged down part of the waistline of her pants to reveal that she knew exactly where his boxers had gone. Joker allowed his jaw to drop for a brief second before he regained himself and eyed her with playful disbelief. The tip of her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she readjusted her pants.

“That's okay, ma'am,” he replied, shifting in the chair and extracting something from his pocket that he dangled in front of her. “I found some.” The look on her face almost made him keel over but he somehow managed to keep a fairly straight face as she snatched her underwear from him. As she crammed them into one of her cargo pockets she mouthed 'you perv'. Joker merely lifted his hands and grinned as if to inform her that this was hardly news. “Besides, I wouldn't have been late if someone had woken me up.”

“You looked like you needed it,” she replied.

“Gotta admit,” he said, nudging up his cap enough to scratch at his temple as he lowered his eyes. “Haven't slept that well in awhile.”

Re: Minor Complications (2/?)

I have to ask! do you / have you written anything else author!anon? a livejournal, or anything like that!?


I have an account at

Not a whole lot there, though I'm posting all the Shoker fills there, too. Hope you can find more you like :)

Re: Authoranon

Awesome Anon

I'll add you to my watch list there :)

Re: Authoranon

Okay by the way, I wasn't the one who asked, I'm the oe who requested this sequel LOL and yeah, I added you to my watch list there anyway :)

Minor Complications (3/?)

“Glad to hear it.” Her tone, warm and secretively passionate, a tone he dared to believe she only shared with him, made something swell inside him. He found that it happened a lot when he was with her these days. His moods were a little less sour, wit a little sharper, and had he been able he might have had a spring to his step. As he locked eyes with her now and the silence continued to draw out between them, he hardly became aware of it. Only when Shepard cleared her throat did he return to reality. “You alright?”

“Yes, sorry. I'm still waking up,” he replied, blinking a few times to clear the fog from his daydreams.

“Should I bring you some coffee?”

“Nah.” He waved a hand dismissively. “Just give me-” His eyes widened as Shepard bent down and kissed him right the cockpit...where anyone could just walk by and see.

The gesture was simple enough, affectionate at best, and hardly worse than anything they had done in the privacy of her cabin. Why this gentle brush of her lips on his shocked him didn't make any sense. Even as every nerve in his body flared and told him to pull her close and kiss her back, he merely froze...and, god, he would never live this down, he downright blushed. “...was gonna say coordinates...but okay.” He was grateful that his voice had at managed to remain steady. When Shepard parted with a small breath against his mouth, her eyes smiled in that way he had just begun to really notice two days ago.

“I'll plot a course, then,” she replied, becoming the Commander once again as she turned and headed down the hallway. Joker turned his chair back to the console and sank into the leather of it. Almost instinctively, he pulled the bill of his hat down low enough to cover his eyes.

“As exciting as I'm sure you might find it, I do not recommend flying the Normandy without looking, Jeff,” EDI remarked. He had almost forgotten she had been there the whole time. His face grew hotter. “Your core temperature appears to be rising at an accelerated rate. Shall I call Dr. Chakwas?”

“No!” he declared, the crack in his voice finally surfacing. “I”m fine....”


Shepard stood over the galaxy map, eyes concentrated on it but not really looking. Though she tried to focus on the matter at hand her mind kept hopelessly wandering away from her. In a reverie she relived the feeling of his arms draped lazily around her and heard the even rhythm of his breath. If she leaned just the right way she had been able to feel his heartbeat, and in the darkness she had carefully rolled to face him so she could press her ear there and just listen. Joker, still deep in a sleep she was sure he hadn't gotten in a long while, had subconciously pulled her closer, nuzzling his face against her hair.

She had never planned to deviously steal his underwear that morning, or to kiss him in the cockpit. It just seemed like the right thing to do; like they had been doing it for ages. She realized the action had surprised him when his face blazed red, a sight that she guessed was a rare one. Joker just didn't get embarrassed, and it was that fact that quelled the worry that he might be so about their 'therapy sessions'. Hell, he had just waved her unmentionables around like a victory flag only a few minutes ago. Maybe he just wasn't used to public displays.

Truthfully, neither was she. Before him. She couldn't help it.

He filled her in ways she could have never, she meant, of course.... Shepard scrunched her eyes shut. Even in her own thoughts she could see him grinning at her suggestive choice of words. He soothed her physically, no doubt, but he also sat and listened to her, let her voice worries she would never dare share with the rest of the crew. She was their Commander and if she didn't exude confidence in her own decisions, how could she expect them to follow her? Joker would, though. He always would....and he had. He was right there the moment she came back, ready to carry her to hell and back, wherever she wanted. He really was the best ride in the galaxy......piloting the Normandy!! The Normandy was the ride, he was just piloting!, she meant!

“Are you okay, Commander?” Kelly chimed in. “You look a little flushed.”

“Yes. Fine. I just need..... Going now.”

Re: Minor Complications (3/?)

(The requester here)
LMAO!! That last bit with Shepard was hilarious!!! BWAHAHAH

"He really was the best ride in the galaxy......piloting the Normandy!!" - LMFAO!!BWAHAHAHA

Minor Complications (4/?)

“You seem perfectly fine, Jeff.”

“That's what I said, but EDI insisted I come here.”

“She froze your control access,” Chakwas concluded with a hint of amusement in her voice.

“Yes,” Joker replied, rolling his eyes.

“Well, I'll input your test results into the system and that should prove to EDI that you are perfectly fit to pilot.”

“Thanks.” The doctor gave him a nod before taking a seat at her desk to process in the information. Joker remained sitting on the examination table, touching the tips of his fingers together as his expression grew troubled. Dr. Chakwas watched him figiting in her peripheral vision and mentally noted his discomforted posture. Normally, she would have expected him to make it a point of hurrying back to the cockpit to tell EDI just how right he had been. Instead he just sat there and stared at his hands.

“Was there something else, Jeff?” she coaxed him, leaning back in her chair and folding her hands over her lap.

“Sorta..?” His sounded unsure of his answer as he rubbed at the back of his neck. Chakwas lifted a hand to encourage him to continue with the details. This was interesting, to say the least. She had never been particularly personal with Joker, but having served on the same vessel for so long they had developed a friendly enough relationship and never had she seen him so twitchy. He reminded her of a little boy who had a secret that he truly wanted to tell, but was afraid he might get in trouble. “Where do I even start?”

“If you were me, you would start with the symptoms of the problem.” Joker nodded, appreciating Chakwas' simple and straightforward manner of approaching things now more than ever.

“All in all, the last few weeks I haven't felt better,” he said, not looking at her, but deciding to focus more on anything else in the room. “And I was cool with that. Who doesn't like to feel good, right?”

“Of course.”

“But now I just feel weird.” Chakwas brought her fingers thoughtfully to her lips.

“What caused you to feel happy?”

Joker opened his mouth but closed it again with a small, choked noise in his throat. He couldn't possibly tell Chakwas what he and Shepard had been doing all this time. Never mind that Chakwas was more a motherly-figure to him than anything, but Shepard would outright kill him. Maybe he could just omit details? Hell, it wouldn't be the first time he had done that with a doctor. He didn't trust anyone that knew more about his body than he did.

“Shepard and I have been spending a lot of time together. a lot. And I guess...that's been nice. We've seen a lot together. All of us, I mean.” He gestured towards her. “Not a lot of the original crew left after all.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. She's a pleasure to talk to when things are quiet, one-on-one with a glass of Serrice Ice Brandy.” Joker crooked a brow at her, finally turning his eyes in her direction. She laughed warmly. “She bought me a replacement bottle for the one I lost on the SR-1. We drank and reminisced for a while. Nothing terribly scandalous. But, back to the matter at hand. You've been feeling in good spirits having these talks with Shepard. What's caused the change?”

“I don't know..,” he said with a lazy shrug before pulling off his cap and fiddling with it in his hands. Chakwas' lips tugged softly into the beginnings of an all-to-knowing smile. He really couldn't stop moving around, could he?

She pressed up from her chair and walked over to stand in front of him, leaning on the table across from him and folding her arms.

“Shepard's something special. We all know that. When she died I don't think any of us really believed it was true.” Joker shook his bowed head, scratching at the threads on the bill of the cap with his thumbnail. “But I think it taught us something, too. Shepard is only human....and in situations like these there really is no better time than the present to let her know how we feel about matter how complicated those feelings might be.” The pilot glanced up at her only briefly before plunking the cap back on his head and easing himself off the table.

“Thanks, Doc. I'll...think about that.” He shuffled his feet a bit, waiting.

“Something else on your mind?"

“Yeah.... Can I have a sucker?” Chakwas laughed.

"Of course."

Minor Complications (5/?)

Joker tucked the hard raspberry candy to one side of his mouth, bulging out his cheek as he shoved the wrapper along with his hands into his pockets. His eyes were distant as he made the arduous trek back to the elevator. He had been walking a lot more than usual what with all the extra-curricular activities Shepard pulled him into. The exercise was probably good for him, but that didn't stop his joints from complaining every now and again. Recounting their times together in his mind he decided that it was definitely his turn for a massage. Oh, the perks of being the Commander's personal sex-toy.

He smirked as best he could with the sucker in his mouth, swapping it to the other cheek when the first became candy-coated. Activating the elevator's holo, he entered and as the doors closed he grew more thoughtful. It wasn't so simple as that, was it? Hell, even Chakwas could see it, even if he wasn't being honest with himself. Things hadn't gotten weird between him and Shepard at all. If anything they had become, as the doctor had so wisely put it....complicated. He felt a little embarrassed at letting the whole thing become so personal for him. It was something he tried to avoid normally; things were simpler that way.

Joker tried in vain to realize what exactly had pushed him across this line. Every memory plucked from his ever-growing collection made him feel the same. It was useless, no matter what he thought of all he knew was that it reminded him just how badly he'd fallen. Small she said his name, how she looked at him, how she smiled just for him....

“Going up?” Joker didn't even realize that the elevator had stopped and suddenly there she was sliding into the it with him. And there it was, she was smiling again.

“I shposh,” he spoke around the sucker. That was wrong, of course. He was supposed to be getting off on that very floor, but somehow he had forgotten what he was doing entirely.

“Where did you get that?” Shepard asked with amusement as the elevator seemed to close off the world. The pilot opted to avoid spitting all over himself and tugged the stick out of his mouth.

“Special resources,” he replied.

“Do I have access to these 'special resources'?” she asked, grasping her hands behind her back.

“Hmmm.. I dunno,” he played. Shepard feigned a grimace at him and darted forward, patting down his pants while he held his hands in the air, more in an attempt to keep the candy out of her hair than surrender. “Hey, watch it...!” He squirmed a little and was grateful that her hands were quick and nimble enough to discover the newly acquired cache in his lower right pocket.

“Hell, yeah! Sour apple!” she celebrated when she found her favorite.

“That makes so much sense,” Joker said slurred around the sucker again. His hands had found their way to her hips as soon as she had ceased her assault on him. Shepard swayed them side to side slightly and hooked her fingers on his belt once she had pocketed her spoils.

“I didn't know we had a session today,” she noted, though she didn't sound particularly bothered. Joker blinked a couple of times and let the final bits of the candy melt in his mouth as he realized they had just arrived at her cabin. Pulling the stripped stick from his mouth he shoved it in his pocket with the wrapper, probably looking like he was paying the gesture far too much attention. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah... Fine,” he said, giving her a genuine smile and letting his fingers comb through her hair.

“Ah. I hate it when you lie, Mr. Moreau.” Her eyes seemed more vibrant today, shiny and playful. Bedroom eyes.

“I'm not lying,” he replied, feeling the heat starting to rush up to his face again.

“There it is again.” Damn, she noticed. Her fingers brushed against his beard and over the flushed skin. “I would say you're nervous, but... all things considered....”

“Tell me about it,” he mumbled. “We don't have a session today.”

“That's fine. I can make time,” she smiled.

“You're not helping,” Joker said, adjusting his cap once, then twice as if it suddenly didn't properly fit. He hated this. In what sort of insane world could he come up to her room nearly every night and do damn near everything possible and not be able to just look her in the eye and say a few words?

Minor Complications (6/?)

And she wasn't helping. She stood there looking genuinely inquisitive, eyes focused on him and lips softly parted while she fiddled with the collar of his shirt. He felt all the worries he had about his guilty admission pit in his stomach at once. She relied on him for a simple escape from the stark reality of her life, an outlet, and that was something he was perfectly happy being....originally. How could he expect her to suddenly emotionally invest in him, in anyone, knowing what she'd been through. It just seemed like too much to ask. Her attentions and concerns were already spread so thin between her crew, her obligations, her....

She kissed him, arms wrapping about his neck loosely. He fell right into it, embracing her back as tight as he could. Even in this he could feel her smile.

“Sorry. You looked like you were thinking too much,” she said with a nudge of her forehead to his. Joker couldn't help but grin at the irony of her actions. She was picking up his tricks and it appeared that they worked just as well on him as they did her. That was fine. He really didn't want to dwell on it with her right there in his arms, warm and, as always, inviting.

So he didn't. He allowed her to lead him into her cabin, all kisses and passionate promises. As he rested against the sheets that enveloped him in her scent and watched her move over him he decided he had become utterly spoiled. Touching her, tasting her, smelling her, filling her....nothing even came close anymore. A few years ago he had resigned himself to the idea of sex being something that just didn't work into his personal equation, but he kept finding himself here. It was one of few things he would gladly admit being wrong about, but he couldn't help but attribute it to Shepard's uncanny ability to achieve the impossible. Though their first few times had been cautious enough, she quickly learned how to make love to him without seeming distracted by his condition. They wouldn't be slamming each other against walls in fits of passion any time soon, but damn if she didn't almost make him want to try sometimes.

Joker reached up and laced his fingers with Shepard's, his heart swelling when she squeezed his hands and locked eyes with him. She seemed to enjoy watching him as much as he did her, and often times when they caught each other's gaze like this he felt like doing something wonderfully irrational. It also was what finally did him in, and he felt his body submit to her, shuddering in blessed release.

Shepard had taken to curling up with him once their energies were spent, rather than sprawling on one side of the bed like she used to. Joker instinctively cradled her close and gave a deep breath as the fog of his lust began to fade and his thoughts became clearer. The first thing that crossed his mind was how things seemed to be getting better every time, and the second thing was what an idiot he was for getting distracted. His inner voice reasoned that the distraction was a perfectly rational one.

“We should go out,” he heard himself saying in the stillness, his fingertips stroking her shoulder.

“Out? Like...out, out?” Shepard asked, her voice revealing just how relaxed she was.

“Like... oh, I dunno... Dinner?” He felt her laugh.

“You sure do work backwards” she murmured teasingly.

“Yeah, well... I'm just saying it could be nice. You know...., when you're not saving the galaxy.” She leaned up on her elbows so she could look at him and he pushed the wayward hair out of her eyes so he could look at her directly.

“Not sure we'll have time to sit down and have dinner anytime soon, Jeff....” Her expression turned genuinely apologetic.

“I'm not sayin' it has to be at some fancy restaurant at the Citadel,” he said, trying not to feel disconcerted by her subtle rejection. “I just want to spend time with you... for real.” Joker wasn't really sure that was the best choice of words, but at least Shepard seemed to understand.

“How do you feel about dinner and a movie. Right here on the Normandy?” she asked. Joker felt the knot in his stomach began to unwind and smiled.

“That would be awesome.” Shepard smiled and leaned over to kiss him before tossing the covers and sheets aside.

“It's a date, then. Now, come on. We best shower and get back to work.”

OP here

So, again, I'm the dudette who asked for the sequel :)

Authoranon, you are my favorite person ever, like seriously!

I mean, this is just adorable, and beautiful, and awesome, and sweet, and funny and everything I ever wanted in a sequel!!

I seriously check this three times a day to make sure I didn't miss any fills!!! Your writing is also so very awesome, I adore this! <3

Minor Complications (7/?)

“Commander, you have a new message at your private terminal.”

“I'll take this in my quarters.”

Shepard clenched and unclenched her hands as she walked towards the cockpit with purpose, her stride the most military it had been in a while. Her mind reeled as she tried frantically to think of the appropriate words while her footfalls echoed like a looming and calculated countdown. She hadn't told anyone about the private message she had received from Hackett. For once, the loyalty of her crew would have been more a hindrance than a blessing. They would argue and insist that it was suicide. But Hackett had been clear and she had agreed – she would be going on this mission alone.

How could she get this around Joker, though? She planned on taking a shuttle to the Batarian outpost, but she had to get to the Bahak system first. Usually, that would have been simple. She would tell him where she needed to go and that would be that, no questions asked, just another typical mission. But that was before...before they had gotten close...before he had come to read her like a star system. Would he be able to see all the things she wasn't saying? Yes, I'm heading into Batarian territory and, no, I'm not taking a team. No, I don't know all the details and am walking into this fairly blind. Yes, it's risky but I'm sure I'll manage....pretty sure.

For a split-second she thought of giving EDI the coordinates, but that would be like waving a flag right in front of the pilot.

“Hey, Commander,” Joker greeted, his words professional, but his expression speaking of things much more personal. Shepard began to feel twitchy, but managed to keep her posture still.

“Joker, set a course for the Bahak system,” she said.

“Sure,” he obliged and turned the chair back round to do so. “What's up?” No, Joker. Please, no questions, Shepard silently urged.

“Just standard fare, Knocking heads and kicking ass.” Her tone was well-practiced, casual and confident - everything one would come to expect from Commander Shepard.

“Well, I know how much you take 'kicking ass' seriously, and I know I don't need to tell ya.... ya know.”

“To watch my ass?”

“Right,” he said, turning to face her again. “Too many Batarians in one place for my liking, but you gotta do what you gotta do.” Shepard nodded, her fingers wringing tightly behind her back where he couldn't see. He was acting normal enough, not overly curious or inquisitive....just Joker. “Just make sure whoever's watching your ass isn't actually 'watching your ass'. I might have to get violent.”

Shepard allowed herself to crack a grin. “I usually keep my eyes forward on a mission. How am I supposed to know that?”

“You're Shepard. Use your Shepard-senses or something,” he said, waggling his fingers on either side of his head.

“Of course. Forgot I had those.” She turned from him to make a quick exit while things were light.

“Shepard.” Mentally, she swore in frustration but turned back anyway. “Up for that movie and dinner after you get back?” Shepard faltered just a little bit, assuring herself quickly that things were going to be just fine despite the knot in her stomach. This was going to be simple...a quick, quiet, there-and-gone mission. All she had to do was find Dr. Kenson, get some intel, and she'd be back on the Normandy in no time.

“Sounds good to me. I'm sure I'll need the break.” She tried not to let the outright fondness in his gaze go straight to her heart as she left, suppressing the urge to run back and kiss him. Not a 'goodbye' kiss, necessarily, but more 'see you soon', as if she was just going off to work for the day. As she headed to her quarters to prepare to go it solo, she told herself that she would give him one when she got back.


Apologies if I end up spoiling "Arrival" for anyone, here, but I thought it would be interesting to include. No mission details, but might be spoilery for the end bit.

Minor Complications (8/?)

Everything up until that moment had made sense to Joker. They had taken the Normandy in with stealth systems activated to avoid any unwanted conflict and, when they were close enough, Shepard took the shuttle in to Aratoht. He had sat dutifully in the cockpit awaiting her pick up call or maybe even a status update, all while trying to shake the eerie feeling he was getting hovering in such a hostile system. When the hours became long he didn't think too much about it. Some missions took longer than others and he was happy enough to take the down time to figure out what movies would be best to watch with Shepard when she returned.

It was going to be the first time they would be spending time together that didn't lead to least not immediately. Inwardly, he sassed himself for being so utterly unmanly, but, damnit, Shepard wasn't just some woman he saw every now and again for a good time. The whole point of the date was to tell her that, to let her know that she meant the world to him. Not that he had become clingy or anything....he just wanted to be around her all the time, if that made any lick of sense. Joker paused his search through the old sci-fi classics as the feeling of Shepard curled up in his arms rose into his memory. Would it be too much to go to sleep like that and wake to see her every morning?

His sigh turned into a light groan. God, he was getting corny.

It wasn't until Joker finally rose from his chair to get something to eat when he realized how late it really was. Time had passed faster than he had noticed and when he reached the mess hall it was empty. The crew had all retreated to their quarters for the cycle. Something coiled in his stomach then and when he checked the time he forgot his hunger. As fast as his rickety legs could carry him he made his way back to the cockpit.

“EDI. Has there been any transmissions from Shepard?”

“No transmissions have been received from Shepard's frequency in the last eighteen hours and thirty minutes.”

“What about the squad? Who went with her?” EDI's silence was excruciating.

“All crew mates are accounted for aboard the Normandy.”

“Shepard went alone? Why didn't you tell me??” he asked angrily.

“Shepard requested that the details of this missions be kept confidential.” Joker gripped the back of the chair as he stood there to stop himself from tripping into the console. What in the hell would have made her do something this stupid?

“Tell me what you know,” he insisted.

“That is all I know, Jeff. Truly.” Shit, she was being honest. Joker brushed his hand over his face and rubbed at his eyes, sore from how long he had been staring at the console. Eighteen...fucking...hours. Something was wrong. Neglecting to tell even the AI where she was going, and then being gone for almost a day without any communication...? Shit, shit, shit. Why hadn't he asked her more about the mission? Why didn't he ask her who she was taking?

Because he never did. He always just assumed Shepard knew what she was doing. Even if she did something stupid he always trusted she could get out of it. Hell, he'd been there when it had happened numerous times.

“Fuck..,” he muttered, head still in his hand. “I fucked up again....” What if she didn't come back? What if she was lost...for good?

“Shepard received a private message before she left,” EDI spoke up. “I may be able to hack into her email.” Joker glanced up at her globe and realized he had been clenching his jaw so hard it hurt when he relaxed it. Slipping into his chair he calmed his panic and took control.

“Let me see it, EDI.” Not a second time. I'm coming to get you, Shepard.


“External comm channel open.”

“Shepard to Normandy. Joker, do you read me?” Shepard called as the satellite dish shifted position with a protesting groan. She had no idea if the asteroid was anywhere near the Normandy at this point but she willed Joker to hear her. If he didn't show up, and fast, she was going to be obliterated right along with the Mass Relay, and worse, so would he and the entire crew. Her heart sank when no answer came, but she was given no time to try again as a frightfully large tentacled apparition uncoiled before her.

Minor Complications (9/?)

“Jeff, I have picked up something.”

“What do you have for me, EDI? Be brief.” Joker was having a hard enough time keeping his eyes open without her techno babble. He didn't know how long he had been awake. All he knew is that EDI had attempted to persuade him into leaving the cockpit to get some sleep numerous times and he just wasn't having it. If any sign of Shepard came through he wanted to see it. He wasn't going to be able to sleep until she was back on the Normandy and in one piece anyway.

EDI had managed to not only find Shepard's email from Hackett, but also the recording of their extended conversation after. For the first time Joker was thrilled with Cerberus' deliberate invasion of privacy. Listening in on Batarian transmissions on Aratoht soon informed them that Shepard had escaped the planet with Kenson, but after that she vanished again.

“There are transmissions being broadcast from an asteroid not far from our current location.”

“Anything useful?”

“Shepard to Normandy. Joker, do you read me?” Her voice over the comm startled him extremely awake even in his exhaustion. He looked at EDI, as if for confirmation that he wasn't hearing things, but when her globe did little more than blink like usual he opened the transmission.

“Shepard?? Shepard!” he called, but received no answer. “Damnit!” The asteroid EDI spoke of loomed into the Normandy's view, a dark, ominous contrast to the light of the Mass Relay within its proximity. Joker's eyes darted between the two, drawing dangerously close. Two things crossed his mind then. The first was a colorful plethora of foul language. The other was that it was time to burn some space. “EDI, punch it!”

“Know this as you die in vain. Your time will come. Your species will fall.”

As Harbinger spouted threats that seemed never ending, Shepard felt sweat trickle from her brow and down her face beneath her helmet. The relay grew closer with every second and there was still no sign of the Normandy or Joker. She refused to believe everything would end here, to believe the fight would end before it started, to believe her time with the pilot would be cut so pitifully short.

“Prepare yourselves for the arrival,” Harbinger boomed before the projected likeness disappeared. Shepard stood still on the platform, the sharp blue of the relay's light hurting her eyes. She closed them and was surprised to find her cheeks staining with two solitary tears.

She had died alone once, floating in the crushing emptiness of space. The experience haunted her nightmares, her subconscious the only place she could clearly remember everything in frightening detail. One thing she could clearly remember, though, was that she had a fleeting moment before her final breath abandoned her. At least everyone else was safe. At least Joker was safe.

It was absolutely jarring how so much could happen in such little time. Facing the impending disaster, all she could think of was the pilot, how she hadn't said goodbye, how she foolishly hadn't kissed him like she had wanted to. What's more is she couldn't believe how terribly alone she felt and, somehow, it was a deeper loneliness than she could ever recall having.

Wetting her lips, she raised her hand to her helmet. Maybe she could warn them if they were in range. Maybe they could get out alive.


“I have pinpointed Shepard's location. Heading to frequency.”

“Hold course, EDI,” Joker replied, pressing himself up from the chair and ignoring how stiff his body had become as he headed for the entryway. EDI complied without questioning his departure and rounded the asteroid, pulling in as close as possible.

Joker hit the control as soon as he got in range, opening the bay door and holding his breath until he caught the glimpse of the small, armored figure sprinting for the ship. She lept over the gap and he gripped her arm and pulled her inside. Shepard lifted her head to look at him as the door slid shut. They shared a gaze that spoke more than they could ever say before Joker turned and made his way back to the cockpit. Back in his seat, his focus returned sharper than ever.

Re: Minor Complications (9/?)


OMG I seriously can't wait for more!!!!

Minor Complications (10/?)

So... I always thought Joker looked really tired in this I figured this is why :D

“Get us out of here, Joker,” Shepard said, catching up to him. Though it was nothing she needed to tell him, he was glad to hear her voice, whatever she wanted to say. The Normandy broke into the lightning of the relay and cracked into the calm and stillness of another space.

“God...,” Shepard huffed and Joker could feel her lean on the back of his chair. He turned his eyes up to her and she was startled to see how haggard and sleepless he really looked. He looked as if he was ready to say something to her, and she was ready to hear it, any and all of it, except his eyes closed and his chin dropped onto his chest.

“Joker?” she asked, touching his shoulder. Still rushing with the adrenaline of the last few moments, she felt panic surge through her boy.

“Mr. Moreau is suffering a case of exhaustion,” EDI told her. “I will notify Dr. Chakwas.”

“How long has he been awake?” Shepard asked, though she was afraid she already knew.

“Approximately forty-eight hours. I advised that he retire to bed, but he insisted on staying.” Shepard felt a pang of guilt hit her and she pulled her hand away, not wanting to disturb him now. Instead, she turned and headed for the galaxy map just as the Viper Nebula was wiped from the face of existence by the ensuing supernova the destroyed relay released.


“Thank you, Garrus,” Shepard said softly as the Turian settled the pilot into her bed. Although Chakwas had assured her he would be okay with plenty of bed rest, she couldn't seem to muffle the worry she felt. She reached over and covered him with the blankets, placing his cap that she had been carrying around for the few hours on the side table. Garrus rested his talons gently on her shoulder after she sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I'm glad you made it back okay,” he said, his already deep voice seeming lower in the whisper of his words. She nodded and gave him a smile that quickly faded. The Turian watched her a moment longer, concern in his strikingly blue eyes. Shepard realized they were almost as bright as the lights in her fish tank. He let them wander to Joker, his mandibles flittering against his jaw. “You know... In all the time I've spent with you I've realized our species aren't so different....”

“Yeah?” she said with another weak smile, though she stared at her hands now.

“You are very defiant of your personal weaknesses....almost take them as a challenge... Especially when your mate is involved.” Shepard looked at him, feeling her chest tighten. The Turian returned his attention to her and gave her what she had learned to interpret as his version of a subtle smile. “He'll be okay.” He turned and padded quietly out of her quarters to the elevator. She listened to him go but kept her eyes on Joker. Leaning over she stroked his forehead, trailing her hand down his neck and resting it at his chest as she lay her head there and listened to his heart beat.


Joker opened his eyes and immediately closed them again, coughing when he found his throat dry. His body ached something fierce so he opted not to move. He could feel the familiar sheets beneath him and smell her scent on the pillow. Shepard's cabin. When had he gotten here?

His stomach growled plaintively.

“Mmmf, shut up,” he muttered. The feeling refused to subside and quickly reminded him of the last time he was hungry. The mess hall....the mission...Shepard gone missing. He sat up, his heart in a frenzy, and tried desperately to untangle his limbs from the covers.

“Jeff, you're awake!” He froze and in the next few seconds he found her warmth against him, embracing him. His arms encircled her and his face buried against her neck. She was real.

“Shepard,” he breathed and he felt her do something he hadn't ever before. She sobbed. “Shepard.....” He stroked her hair and held her as tight as his tired arms would allow. “No.... It's okay....”

“No,'s not..,” she practically hiccuped, tears cooling his warmed skin. “I didn't tell you. I should have said....”

“Hey, hey... I'm not your keeper,” he replied, rubbing the soft spot at the small of her back. “You don't have to tell me anything.....I know you had your reasons.”

Minor Complications (11/?)

“I might not have come back...,” she said as she pulled back to look at him.

“Of course you would...,” he said, the green of his eyes soft with sleep.

“You didn't know that....” He rubbed her upper arms with his palms.

“Yeah, I did,” he said and she simply gaped at him, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. He brushed them away with his thumbs. “Because I wasn't ready to let you go.... Already let you slip out of my fingers once....” Shepard felt her eyes well up with more tears, though they were no longer from her fear and desperation. She must have looked a terrible mess, she thought, but Joker couldn't have disagreed more. When she kissed him he returned the gesture gratefully.

“I'm sorry...,” she apologized as they parted, pressing her forehead to his.

“You should be,” he frowned. “You're late for our date. Immensely.”

“Oh, god,” Shepard said, pressing her hand to the side of her face and laughing lightly. “How the hell can you be so laid back about this?” He had yet to show any sort of frustration or anger. Certainly, he had to be at least a little mad at her – and not just because she was ridiculously late for their date. Joker leaned back into the stack of pillows and put his arms behind his head.

“Because I love you, in case you hadn't noticed.” Shepard dropped her hand into her lap and looked at him, reddened eyes wide. “Don't look at me like that. Why else would I put up with your crazy?” He nudged her with his foot and she shook her head, as if to clear her thoughts. Joker watched her sit there stunned and wondered if maybe that wasn't the smoothest delivery, but what could he do? It seemed like a good idea at the time and he was flipping tired. She was probably still waiting for him to bite her head off for doing what she did, but she would be sorely disappointed. All the sleepless hours and heart attacks aside, he thought her blameless.

Shepard was a soldier and he had worked with her too long to think that might change just because their relationship had taken a turn. He didn't want her to. This insane, gun-happy lunatic was the woman he had fallen in love with, and life really couldn't get more exciting than it was with her. Sure, he could sit and scream about how she had almost died and how she had worried him sick, but it seemed so trivial when she was right here in front of him. And by the look of it, yes he had looked, so sue him, she was perfectly fine. He lived for the small blessings.

Just as he was about to nudge her again to see if she was still breathing, she turned and crawled over the bed, settling in beside him. He let his arms lower and wrapped one about her shoulders.

“So... When did you plan to tell me this?” she said, hugging her knees up to her chest. “The next time I almost die?”

Joker rolled his eyes a bit.

“Not gonna hear the end of this, am I?”

“I'm just saying!”

You never said it,” he pointed out, looking over at her. “In fact, you still haven't.” Shepard opened her mouth, then closed it again, her eyes darting up in thought and then down in disgruntled realization.

“I was too busy baring my soul to you,” she finally said, wiping her moist cheeks with the backs of her sleeves.

“Bah,” he said. “I'm dismissing that claim.” Shepard gave him a disbelieving look. “Not real till you say it.”

“It's not that I haven't wanted to-”

“Take your time, by all means.” She gently nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. “Hey, careful.”

“I love you,” she huffed. “It's been a long time since I've felt home...” She fiddled with her toes as she spoke and Joker grinned at how her cheeks grew rosy. The tables had turned. “I...don't really know how to say it but I really feel you're a big part of my life now... You've always been, but lately I always find I want you in it even more... And when I thought I was going to die again all I could think about was how I'd never see you again. And that just makes it all the more important that I say it now. So...” She hesitated, but managed to finally look at him. “I love you, Jeff Moreau.... Your wry humor, the way you handle the Normandy, your scratchy beard, your obsession with that hat.... I love you right down to every brittle bone in your body.”

Minor Complications (12/?)

She gave a breath and watched him. He seemed thoroughly pleased with himself and looked like he fully agreed with all the compliments she granted him.

“Had to throw the bones in there, eh?”

“Well...,” Shepard chuckled. “Wasn't bad, though, was it?”

“Naw, but I can do better.” Shepard crooked an eyebrow at him.

“Didn't know this was a competition.”

“It wasn't originally, but it's more fun this way.”

“You're impossible.”

“Shhhh, it's my turn,” he said, and took her hand between his, squaring his shoulders. Shepard uttered something between a sigh and a chuckle. His antics were ceaseless, but a rather welcome reprieve from all the seriousness. “I think you're the craziest woman I've ever met. You surprise me every day by doing things I've never thought possible....both in and out of the bedroom.” The way he bobbed his eyebrows made Shepard outright laugh. “I'm being serious, here. I'm totally baring my soul.” He gave her a 'serious' face that made it hard to muffle her giggles, though she managed. He took a deep breath. “I love that you're a complete badass and you're not afraid to hit other girls...really hard.. That was hilarious...” He paused and looked to the ceiling as if to think on it more.

“Are you just making this up as you go?”

“Perish the thought! Oh, oh! I loved when you repeatedly cut off the Council. Priceless.”

“Joker.” He squeezed her hand and looked at her, expression growing soft now.

“I love that you're you.... And I honestly couldn't think of flying on any other ship with any other Commander.... Couldn't think of anything without you.... I tried before... didn't work so well on my own.” Shepard smiled, thinking that if her heart felt any fuller it might burst. It must have been a crime somewhere to feel this happy. “....especially not the sex part.”

“Gawd, Jeff,” she rolled her eyes a bit, but found herself smiling even more.

“I realize our whole relationship has been kind of ass-backwards, but.... where's my hat?” Shepard blinked at the sudden change of subject, but gestured to the side table. Joker leaned back to retrieve it while keeping hold one one of her hands. “And as you know I've never been terribly appropriate in anything..., so I hope you'll forgive that now.”

“Sure..,” she said curiously with a small nod.

“I don't have a whole hell of a lot to offer you, Shepard...,” he said quietly. “But I want you to know I'm there for you, all the way.... even if I end up in a million pieces.”

“Heaven forbid.”

“I know, right?” he chuckled. “Kinda hoping to avoid that... anyway! The point is that...if we make it through all this Reaper business alive... I want you to know that I will be here for you always...if you'll have me.”

Shepard glanced between his face and the hat that he was holding in his hand, more than a little confused as her heart started pounding in her ears for some reason.


“Don't worry, it's just a hat,” he smiled. “Didn't have time to pick up the good stuff just yet, but...ya know...”

“Are you sure....?” she asked.

Minor Complications (13/13)

“About what, the hat? I can get another one.” She grimaced at his obvious teasing.

“Well, you're asking.... Right?”

“I'm asking you to wear my hat....and promise that I can parade around the fact that Commander Shepard is my wife in the near future, yeah.” Shepard started to protest but found herself completely lacking in viable reasons why not. To be honest, she really hadn't thought much beyond the war with the Reapers. What would she do after, if there was an after? As she looked at the pilot, ruffled from sleep and looking at her like she was the only thing in the world that mattered, she decided it was something she could get used to waking up to.

She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him over and over, tender and sweet. He began to grin against her mouth and plopped the cap on her head where it sat loose and crooked.

"Saaay it or it isn't reaaaal."

"Yes, yes, yes, a million times, okay?"


“You're very strange, you realize,” Shepard smiled back.

“Only the best for you,” he replied. His stomach growled furiously amidst their smitten snuggling. “Oh, right. That.”

“I forgot. You must be starving,” Shepard perked. “Let me get you something.” He watched her scoot to the edge of the bed and pad across the floor on her bare feet to the door before turning to look back. “What do you want...?

“Food. The edible type. And lots of it.” Shepard nodded and then looked as if she had remembered something else and hurried back over to the bed. Before Joker could ask her what was up she kissed him deep and long, leaving a dreamy look on his face when she pulled away and booked for the door. She wasn't about to make that mistake again!

“I'll be right back,” she said, slipping on her shoes.

“For reals this time?” he prodded. She tilted her head at the jibe and stuck her tongue at him.

“For reals.”

He watched as she headed out and smiled warmly at the fact his hat was still perched lopsidedly on her lovely head. It really did suit her.



Ohmahgah, it's over *rolls around on the floor covered in Shoker fluff* OR IS IT?!

Seriously, I'm having way too much fun and am thinking of continuing this story on this prompt (which is mine, anyway): So, if anons want's likely to show up there :)

Authoranon (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Authoranon (Anonymous) Expand
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AuthorAnon/ArtAnon (Anonymous) Expand

Re: Minor Complications (1/?) Sequel to "Just What the Doctor Ordered"

In EVERYTHING and all I've read.. you are my favorite anon of ALL TIME!!! Pleasee update soon I can't freaking wait for more!


Wow, I'm really flattered! Thanks, and glad you like the fics!

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