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Mass Effect Kink Meme: PART V

"We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, the kink meme will endure."


Post your requests anonymously, and fill any prompts that catch your eye. We’re not picky around here; anything goes. Fanart or fanfic, het, femslash, slash, threesomes and moresomes, or just gen-fic; as long as it’s part of the Mass Effect universe, there’s a place for it here.

  • All posts must be anonymous, be they prompts, fills, or comments.
  • Every new prompt should be a new post. Indexing’s impossible otherwise.
  • Pictures should be linked to, not inserted directly into the meme. Be nice to people with slow connections!
  • No flames! We like a friendly atmosphere. If something’s not to your taste, just ignore it. If you see someone else causing problems, message me – don’t feed the trolls!
  • No plagiarism. Didn’t think I’d have to point that out, but some people didn’t seem to get the message. If someone’s already written a story that fills a prompt, feel free to link to it, but don’t repost it and claim it as your own.
  • No underage content. Use some basic common sense for what applies here.
  • Give back to the community! Try and write something for every prompt you leave. If you don’t think you’re up to writing, at least leave feedback on stories you enjoyed. Nobody likes putting effort into a story and getting silence in return.
  • The character limit per comment is 4300 – Break your story into 600-700 word chunks, and you shouldn’t have any problems.
  • When posting a story for an old prompt on this meme, please repost the original prompt here, then post the story as a reply to it - otherwise, everyone has to scroll past long stories to see the newest comments on a page!
  • Multiple fills are always welcome!
  • We run fill-a-thons every few weeks, during which new prompts aren’t allowed. If you post one by mistake, don’t worry – I repost them at the end of the week.
  • If your posts aren't showing up, try logging in and looking again for them - anonymous browsing sometimes causes problems for some reason.
  • It’s ‘Kaidan’, not ‘Kaiden’.

If there’s any problems or suggestions you wish to make, please PM me, and I will deal with the problem shortly. Or post them here:

Mass Effect Kink Meme: Questions and Suggestions Thread


MassKink, Part One / MassKink, Part Two / MassKink, Part Three / MassKink, Part Four / MassKink, Part Five / MassKink, Part Six / MassKink, Part Seven / MassKink, Part Eight / MassKink, Part Nine / MassKink, Part Ten

MassKink ME3, Part One / MassKink ME3, Part Two

Who Wrote What? Thread

Mass Effect Kink Meme: Off Topic Discussions
Mass Effect Kink Meme: Friending Meme
Mass Effect Kink Meme: Recommend a Fic
Mass Effect Kink Meme: People's Choice Awards / First Place Winners / Second Place Winners
Mass Effect Kink Meme: 2nd People's Choice Awards / First Place Winners / Second Place Winners


Mass Effect Livejournal Community
Mass Effect Challenge
Mass Effect Wiki

Mass Effect Livejournal Community
Mass Effect Challenge


Old School Bioware Kink Meme
Dragon Age Kink Meme
Fallout Kink Meme
LA Noire Kink Meme
Deus Ex Kink Meme
Elder Scrolls/Skyrim Kink Meme
World of Warcraft Kink Meme


Mass Effect Kink Meme @ delicious

story archive / request archive

older stories archive / older request archive

diigo archive

  • 1

It's Complicated (1/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

“Give me five minutes alone with her.” Joker declares confidently to the flight lieutenant sitting across the bridge from him. He called dibs the day the Commander set foot aboard the ship and Kaidan had been the only officer to animate disappointment. “That’s all I need.”

“Five?” Kaidan snorts derisively, eyes never straying from his holographic display. “If you survive three, you’ll be lucky.”

The pilot shoots a glare toward the marine, pained by the obvious jab at his condition. Their relationship had evolved, serving their time aboard the SSV Normandy. He thought they were above snide comments about headaches and fractures.

Two can play that game. “Your schpeel lasts that long? You can go three whole minutes without a migraine?”

Kaidan returns the glare to his competitor. “I’m amazed you get a word in edgewise with all the snapping and popping--”

“Gentlemen!” Commander Shepard interrupts, boots clacking on the metal bridge. “If my presence aboard this vessel is truly such a distraction, I would be willing to file reassignment documents--”

Kaidan interrupts, apologetically. “Ma’am, there’s no reason for you to--”

“--for the both of you. Any questions?”

Kaidan’s mouth snaps shut at the threat and he fires another glare off toward his cohort. Joker’s expression, on the other hand, clearly indicates he has many, many more questions for the attractive XO. They mouth a silent, but very animated, argument toward each other, until Joker relents, rolling his eyes.

When their attention returns to the woman, her arms folded behind her back and her scarred eyebrow arched in curiosity, they decide to settle for polite obedience.

“No, ma’am. No questions.”

Re: It's Complicated (2/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

Joker makes his move after the Citadel. He’s in the medical bay when Shepard stumbles in, obviously sleep deprived and pale from her nightly Prothean haunting. She’s sweating and exhausted, kneading an awkward knot in her neck that resulted from some courageous acrobatics.

Doctor Chakwas, much to the pilot’s surprise, raises a subtle eyebrow toward the commanding officer and passes him a tube of muscle cream before making a fuss to excuse herself from the Med Bay.

He stares at the tube, then the aggravated woman, and decides there’s no time like the present.

“I can help with that.” He offers, lamely brandishing the muscle cream. He’d make a smarter comment, but the imaginative section of his mind is preoccupied with the list of things his fingers could do to her.

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion. “I’ll wait for Doctor Chakwas.”

“That’s cool,” he lies. He makes a point to roll his shoulders and emphasis their contrasting levels of mobility. “It’s not like I have anything better to do. But I’m sure Chakwas’ cold, bony, icicle fingers are much more soothing than--”

“Okay!” She relents, crossing the bay to share a gurney.

Although her back is turned toward him when she removes her shirt, he can’t help but feel a little flustered. When she pulls her hair out of the way to expose her neck, he finds himself having to adjust into a less revealing position.

His hands are warm against her tight skin; fingers deftly working out small kinks and knots. The cream leaves a fiery trail between their connection that lingers and stings in all the right places. He’s had a lot of practice, teasing the pain out of L2 pressure points; massage works wonders for Kaidan’s migraines. The woman bites her lip and moans, and suddenly the situation is far too surreal for the pilot.

“The Doc should be back any minute, now.” Joker hands her the cream and collects up his crutches. “I should get back to the bridge. Kaidan can’t navigate for shit. We’ll all end up in dark space if I don’t check on him. It. Us. The ship.”

As he leaves, he grimaces. What was that about?

Re: It's Complicated (3/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

Kaidan’s move is, of course, much less of a move and more a series of successful events. He’s there on missions, covering her back. He’s there in the conference room, sounding concerned and intelligent. He’s there in the mess hall, tucking a hair behind her ear. He’s there when the universe needs him, arming a makeshift nuclear bomb to take out a galactic war-hero turned terrorist.

Whatever philosophical differences Joker and the ground crew may have, his heart plunges into his stomach when he hears the events transpiring on Virmire. For once, Joker wishes he could be on the ground, making the stand. He wishes he were on the front line, showing those sons of bitches what he was made of. He wishes he were there to make the ultimate sacrifice. There’s always another pilot climbing the ranks, but heroes are in short supply.

When Shepard drags Kaidan’s damaged body into the ship and collapses into a heap of anger and tears on the boarding ramp, it takes every ounce of strength in his body not to leap from his chair and run to their side.

Instead, he grits his teeth and puts his mind to work. He knows he’s lost the game; he’s just thankful he didn’t lose Kaidan in the process.

It doesn’t mean he has to sit back and idly watch, however. He makes a point to interrupt any moment the new couple share, from then on out. Scuttlebutt calls it jealousy; Joker prefers to think of it as a constant reminder that he let Kaidan win.

Re: It's Complicated (4/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

They’re celebrating the victory of the Citadel when they trip drunkenly up the boarding ramp of the Normandy. It’s dark and the majority of the crew is docked for well deserved shore leave before venturing back into the desolation of space. Joker balls his fists and sets his jaw as his own style of quiet restitution is interrupted by the revelers.

As he makes his way across the bridge of the slumbering craft, the nervous laughter and passionate noises grow louder. He rolls his eyes at the blatant disrespect of the vehicle and prepares a speech that would dress down any officer with half a firing synapse. He stumbles when he recognizes the man’s voice as Kaidan’s, however, and presses himself against the cold metal bulkhead in an attempt to remain unseen.

Joker can’t see the couple through the six inches of steel between them, but he can hear every shuffle of cloth, every greedy kiss and every desperate moan. He finds himself dizzy, holding his breath to remain unheard, and curses his lack of a social life. He wouldn’t be trapped in this position if he had simply left the ship and had a drink like a normal being. Then again, the only place he’d rather be, at the exact moment, is right in the middle of this situation.

He feels like a complete social reject, aroused by the taste of sweat and biotic ozone in the air, but he can’t help himself. Legs rebelling, he slides down the bulkhead into a more accessible position and attends to the growing problem at hand. Any concern regarding surprising the couple disintegrates as the wet sound of skin slapping against skin echos through the railing; clearly, curious crewmates are the least of their concerns.

Squeezing and stroking in time with their collective breathing, he imagines Shepard’s plump lips and hot breath on his neck, Kaidan’s thick and calloused hands on his thighs. He can almost feel the electricity tracing down his skin and nails digging rivulets into his skin.

Shepard speaks up and he’s sure he’s been caught. The reprimand is inevitable.

“Wait, wait!” She begs, voice weak with exertion, “We should ask Jeff...”

Kaidan growls, eager to finish. “Later.”

Joker’s mind goes blank with shock and he quickly loses grip on reality. Warmth spreads from within him and races out, and he bites his lip to keep from crying out. Thoughts of guilt and doubt immediately race in to fill the gaps that ecstasy overlooked.

Ask Jeff what? Should he speak up? Should he ignore them? Should he pretend it never happened?

Any way he looks at it, he’s sweaty and disheveled on the floor of the bridge. The moment is ruined.


Re: It's Complicated (5/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

“I want to be part of your kinky threesome.” Joker announces with a straight face, a few days layer. Kaidan and Shepard are enjoying an approximation of breakfast in the mess when he pointedly deflates in the bench across from them.

“That’s a new one.” Shepard raises an eyebrow over her mug of coffee and cracks a humored grin toward a flustered Kaidan. “Why is it that I never hear the exciting rumors that circulate around the ship?”

Joker meets her amusement with the steely rigidity he’s known for. “On the Citadel. In the hatch. I heard it all. You asked for me by name. I want in.”

The pilot took a gamble by speaking up but he’s committed to getting answers. There’s no way he can flee the scene in the time it’d take for either individual to snap him in half and he can see the scenario ending in a multitude of positions. Kaidan’s glare alone could be interpreted into anything between rage and jealousy, but Shepard’s demeanor remains calm and collected.

She sets down her mug and fixes him with cold curiosity. “I believe this matter should be discussed more thoroughly in private. Join me in my quarters in five?”

The attention of both men snaps toward her as she stands up and disappears behind sliding doors into her room, Kaidan fumbling with the seat cushions to make up for any lost time to follow her.

Joker allows himself a smug grin, finishing his own coffee before joining the other two in private. He makes a point to take his time, careful not to rush into things an appear overly eager. God knows he’s going to need a minute before he can stand in polite company, anyway.

Re: It's Complicated (6/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

The Commander loves to watch boys kissing, it turns out. At least, that’s how Joker interprets the change of pace her fist makes around his cock as his tongue dives deeper into Kaidan’s mouth. He’s too lost in the haze to notice what the woman did to cause Kaidan to jump, driving him deeper into his embrace.

Kaidan grabs a fist full of Joker’s hair and pull his head back, licking his exposed his neck and rendering him a little extra helpless; he’d argue about the detachment, but he’s not exactly in the best health to fight the stronger man for position. Shepard releases her grip and Kaidan takes it as a queue to wrap his hands around Joker’s thighs and he lift the man, effortlessly. He carries him a few movements forward and drops him on to Shepard’s bed with a jarring motion elicits a hissing curse from Joker.

“Kaidan!” Shepard reprimands, playfully spanking the lieutenant. She grins curiously, leaning back to watch. “How exactly does this work, Moreau?”

It’s not the best time to admit he’s never actually gotten this far with a man, and his usual fantasies are exhausted by the time Shepard tore off his clothes. Sanity compels him to remind them to be gentle, but the last thing he wants to be is the obligatory wet blanket.

“I’m assuming DP is out,” Shepard continues, “Sandwiches are never fun when the filling gets squished.”

“You and he could...” Joker attempts to explain with awkward hand motions, “And I could...”

“No.” Shepard interrupts as she pieces together the position the pilot is trying to articulate, “Kaidan’s got this rule. Total drag, I know.” She crawls over, wedging herself between the two men, curve of her ass pressing against Kaidan’s erection and breasts brushing against Joker’s. “But I have an idea.”

Re: It's Complicated (7/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

The loss of the Normandy and Shepard’s sacrifice are too much for the pilot. He broods in the emergency pod, broken and lost in his own thoughts. If it were up to him, he’d have gone down with the ship. Damn Shepard and her heroics.

The vehicle shudders as it’s recovered by an Alliance patrol ship and the reverberations echo through his aching body. He embraces the pain through clenched teeth. Bones fractured and broken from the escape, he feels as if he deserves so much less.

The rescue crew drags him gingerly through the pristine walls of the military to the all too familiar settings of a medical ward. Tears sting his eyes, but he brushes it off as too-bright lighting burning his senses.

They patch him up as best as they can and shuffle him off to a recovery room to await debriefing.

When the door slides open to reveal Kaidan, his heart sinks. Tears stain the man’s cheeks, eyes red with fury and pain. He marches toward the pilot and lands a punch to the gut that sends the smaller man sprawling against the floor, sputtering for air.

“How could you?” He demands, shaking with anger. He picks Joker up by the neck and pins him against the wall, forcing the cowering man to make eye contact. “How could you let her go like that?”
Joker pries weakly at the other man’s fingers, gasping for air but too medicated to be effective. His green eyes plead for mercy, for one well placed outburst of energy to end the suffering, but Kaidan refuses to grant it. “Is … is she ...?”

“She’s dead.” He whispers, darkness pooling in his brown eyes.

Any remaining will to fight completely evaporates into the tension of the room. Kaidan’s releases his grip and sinks back, just missing the medical gurney and collapses onto the floor in tears. Joker slides down the wall, a slow reflection. “I... She...”

“She went back for you.” Kaidan accuses, fire in his eyes. “I loved her. And you... you stole that from me.”

“I wish it were me.” Joker admits weakly. He creeps forward, attempting to lay a comforting hand on the lieutenant's knee. “Out there. Instead. I love you.”

Kaidan relents, heaving forward in a fit of emotion. He buries his face between his knees to hide the shame and anger from the other man. Joker swallows his pride and leans in, coaxing the weeping man to face him by hooking a finger under his chin.

“She’s gone.” He sobs.

“I know.”

Re: It's Complicated (8/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

Joker’s lips brush against Kaidan’s with the sad hope some small distraction will make the burden lighter for the both of them to carry. He’ll never replace Shepard, but it’s all he can do to make amends. Kaidan hesitates, but he follows the pilot’s lead in the ritual, desperate for resolution.

Joker’s fingers fumble to free Kaidan from his armor, snagging skin in more latches than he manages to release.

The lieutenant spares the pilot from the plight of unfamiliar territory and stands, pulling the injured man up with him and guiding him in the proper manner to dismantle heavy armor. It all clatters to the floor in a matter of moments, then Kaidan makes short work of Joker’s scrubs. It’s when he guides the man onto the bed that he notices the extent of Joker’s pain, fresh cuts and bruises defiling almost every inch skin. He runs his fingers along the fresh shades of purple starting to bloom across Joker’s throat where he had just assaulted him.

“I’m sorry.” He breathes into Joker’s ear in attempt to make amends. He’s not sure where his hands should go, or his legs should set, or how much pressure is too much for the pilot. “I’m so lost without her.”

“We’ll manage,” Joker assures. He lifts his hips and hooks his legs behind Kaidan’s back, in attempt to guide him into position. It’s painful and awkward, but it’s the least of his concerns in the haze of emotions and pain-killers. “Just let it all out.”

Their rhythm is slow and encumbered, a wholly new sensation for the both of them. They blame the lack of coordination on their emotions, neither of them wanting to admit they feel like virgins all over again. The shear warmth and unique muscular contractions of Joker’s ass make Kaidan question his ability to control himself, every tight squeeze introducing new doubts into the back of his mind, and Joker squirms, thankful that any sensation other than ache.

Surprisingly, Joker cries out first. The constant grinding of Kaidan’s abs against Joker’s shaft proving to be too much for the man, but Kaidan quickly follows. He extracts himself and collapses on the bed next to the pilot and buries his tear-stained face into his side for comfort. Joker drags a shaking hand through the lieutenant's sweat soaked hair in idle reciprocation.

The pain of loss still lingers in the room, now accompanied by exhaustion. The fall asleep, leery of the fact that no amount of ecstasy or rest will repair this injury.

(...anon needs food... will dip into ME2 territory later. Ideas/commentary from OP appreciated!)

First of all, omfg yes new ot3.

Poor Kaidan. Not gonna hit him well when he finds BOTH peeps "betraying" him. CEBERUS-RAGE!!! Wonder how Joker'll take it listening through the comm on Horizon?

(Do you do long distance sex? e.g. Go hack Kaidan's vid link and give him a show before the suicide mission, if they don't kidnap him beforehand.) :P

okay...just when i thought the story couldnt get sexier, i read your suggestion.

LONG DISTANCE SEX between them (vids/chat/whatever).
Also it would be great if Shepard had NO IDEA. Like, she's what got them together, but now they feel like they have to sneak around behind her back after Horizon.


or if they met up with each other while Shepard was off doing her thing. (seedy back rooms at Omega for a meet up ftw)

OP !

I love how you are combining it all!!

I just LOVE the Joker/Kaidan pairing, and you're doing it AWESOME.
Also, brilliant how it started with them and fShep in that 3way (yum)
and how they are seeking each other now that she's gone.

It's sexy, it's sweet, and I can't wait for more!!!!

Re: It's Complicated (8/??), Joker/Kaidan/Femshep, Hurt/Comfort

You mean there's more? Oh I wish there'd be more.

And yes,this is my new threesome! It's everything I want!

  • 1

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