masseffectkink

OK, so! Let's say Shepard is victorious and defeats the reapers without the bad canon ending happening, because Shepard is Shepard and finds a way. So, galactic civilization isn't completely destroyed, just in need of some work and rebuilding.

But then! Shepard is clumsy or something happens, she falls on a Dragon's Tooth and gets huskified. D'ohhhh! Without the Reaper's influence she doesn't go crazy and attack everyone, but she is pretty much a zombie.

"But it's still Shepard! Shepard can do it!"

Basically, the galaxy doesn't give a damn that Shepard has a bad case of zombie and figures she can just suck it up and help everyone with their problems, just like she always has. Cue hijinx! Whether Shepard is more or less effective at being Shepard is up to you~

In retrospect, maybe someone should have helped Shepard stagger to safety. At the time—or at least they claimed—all of Shepard’s support crew was too busy gazing at her in awe of the fact that the Reapers were dead. It was a BIG DEAL. In the end, no one really came down on them for what happened. It was an accident. A horrible, completely random accident.

They all watched in what felt like slow-motion as Shepard tripped and fell onto a Dragon’s Tooth. They watched as her body as thrust into the air and was…huskified.

An eerie silence descended upon the crew as they circled her now prostrate form. She was naked, blue and black, circuits visible across her skin. At least, Garrus thought, she didn’t have hair anymore.

“This is awkward.” The turian finally communicated the extent of the situation.

“Talk about it,” Wrex mumbled.

“Maybe we should back up,” Vega suggested. “She was pretty dangerous as a human, you know?”

Everyone took a step back.

Shepard-husk shifted, staggered to her feet, and gave a long moan. She blinked around, moaned once more, and promptly sat down.

“Well… Maybe no one will notice,” Kasumi said.

“Maybe we should just…put her out of her misery. And say she died before she got back down to Earth via that giant laser…thing.”

Liara spared Ashley a sharp glare. “I think after all Shepard has been through, and all that the galaxy needs her now, that’s not a particularly good idea.”

“Fine,” Ashley mumbled. “Last time I give any suggestions.”

Shepard-husk groaned. She got to her feet and staggered towards Ashley. Shepard-husk stopped in front of her and promptly threw up on her feet.

“Eww! Please, can I kill her!”

“NO!”
______________________

In retrospect, allowing the Alliance to go through with its award ceremony was probably not a good idea. Liara had suggested they beg off Shepard as being sick, but she’d been overruled by the human members of the Normandy—who, she later found out, would have been forced to give a speech in Shepard’s place.

So Shepard-husk—wearing an Alliance uniform that was a little worse for wear by the time four of them had wrestled it onto Shepard-husk’s body—stood at the podium and drooled fluorescent liquid onto the wood there.

She said, “Yeurgha.” Then she began to crew on the microphone. The microphone squealed painfully then went dead, and all that could be heard was the faint crunch and grind of Shepard-husk’s mouth.

Hackett quickly intervened and pinned a bright medal to her jacket. “We owe you the galaxy, Commander Shepard.”

Shepard swung at him halfheartedly. The viewers at home thought it was a thoughtful gesture, one that communicated the desire to hug. Hackett cautiously patted her shoulder as he side-stepped the swing. Shepard-husk said, “Uuuugh.” Her next swing wasn’t as gentle. The TV cut to commercial as Hackett and several other Alliance soldiers wrestled Shepard-husk to the ground and dragged her off stage.

In the melee, she ate her medal of honor.

This gave me a good laugh. :) I loved the image of Shepard drooling all over the podium and then chewing on the mic. xD

Of course, it stood to reason that they’d need to clear out left-over Reaper slaves from many parts of Earth. The crew was a little uncertain about what weapons Shepard-husk could yield, but they all decided that it would be best to start with the N7 assault rifle the old Shepard had always used.

On the field, they handed it to her. Shepard-husk tried to eat it. Thankfully, the safety was on.

Liara helpfully supplied her pistol. They watched hopefully as Shepard-husk flicked off the safety in what appeared to be a practiced move. The gun went off.

Vega grabbed it from Shepard-husk and said, “It’s okay! You probably didn’t need that finger anyway. Look, let’s just keep it to the omni tool.”

Except, well, Shepard husk tended to run at Marauders and the like and swing her arms whilly-nilly. She never once engaged her omni tool. When she wasn’t rushing after Marauders, she tended to be drawn by butterflies and floating flowers. Despite their fear of upsetting Shepard-husk, the crew decided she was better off staying out of combat missions.

In the end, they really weren’t sure what to do with Shepard-husk. The solution came in the form none of them suspected. Khalisah al-Jilani actually supplied it; she spoke to them all in confidence. “I’m thinking of hosting a reality television show. I’d love to have Shepard star in it.”

The crew felt tremendous relief. They decided that it wouldn’t be ethical to decide for Shepard-husk, so they brought her into the discussion. “Does this sound like something you want to do, Shepard?” Liara asked gently.

Shepard-husk groaned and salivated. They always took that to be the positive sign.

“Excellent,” al-Jilani said. Then Shepard-husk took another look at her and leapt into action faster than the crew could anticipate.

It wasn’t a pretty sight. The reality show was cancelled, al-Jilani sued Shepard-husk for all she was worth, and the crew decided Shepard-husk would be happiest in a zoo exhibit with her own kind. There, she lived the rest of her days, on display for galaxy races to marvel at her deeds. And, in fact, she never did die as a husk. Some thought it was because of her Cerberus implants. Others thought it was a result of using the Crucible. No one ever figured it out though, and eventually, her name was legend and no more.
_______________________________________

“But Grandpa, I thought you said The Shepard was a beautiful woman who many different varieties of aliens wanted as their wife?”

The old man sighed. “Back during those dark times, people looked quite different than you and I do now.”

The Shepard-husk banged her head against the glass display window. She stopped and drooled. The display plaque just at her waist said, THE SHEPARD, SAVIOR OF THE GALAXY.

The boy looked at Shepard-husk uncertainly. The old man patted his head. “It makes more sense than the other story I thought about telling you.”

Oh god oh god I'm hyperventillating with laughter and horror. Oh hell. That is fucking awesome.

And yes, dear A!A,

It's a sad day when a crack-fic makes more sense than canon

Air! I need it, but dammit if I can't stop laughing long enough to get it...

OP here. HYSTERICAL FILL, ahgawd I'm sobbing from laughter XD

Thank you so much!

Oh.my.god. This is so much WIN, I love it! Thanks for this little story, anon!author, I cracked up so hard, I think I might have broken something... (but I won't sue you, it was worth it)

For some odd reason, I feel better.

Here you go, anon. All of my internets. I won't be needing them.

Oh god I can't breathe

This was ten different kinds of awesome and funny, thank you a!a. Also, OP, kudos for you too because a bad case of zombie already had me in stitches before I could even read the fic