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Mass Effect Kink Meme: PART III

"We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has been eradicated and forgotten, the kink meme will endure."


Post your requests anonymously, and fill any prompts that catch your eye. We’re not picky around here; anything goes. Fanart or fanfic, het, femslash, slash, threesomes and moresomes, or just gen-fic; as long as it’s part of the Mass Effect universe, there’s a place for it here.

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Brittle Bones, TenderTouch (1/?)

Cross fill for this and this Enjoy! :)


In all her time serving with the Alliance, it was inevitable that Shepard would eventually find herself in the company of a few swaggering rookies. They would strut and preen and try to tell her stories of how they had almost died on this mission or had single-handedly won another – vying relentlessly for her attention long enough to get her into their bunk for the night. But like any good Alliance soldier, Shepard was not one to be swayed by pretty, flexing things, and found great pleasure in informing them that she had been five ranks above them by the time she was twenty. Some squirmed away out of fear of being discharged for harassing a superior, while others skulked out of her sight merely due to marred pride. Then, there was the occasional, puffed up subordinate that was undeterred by either of the prior reasons, and thought it would be a lovely notch in their belt to say they'd banged their Commander.

They usually left on a stretcher.

Shepard had always assumed that when you were involved in a war that it should be your primary objective, no distractions. She supposed she could understand Garrus' point of view on the whole thing, using sex as a stress reliever, but it didn't sound like the Turian males were half as irritating about it. Everything was much more straight-forward and to the point – much like she preferred it. Not to say that any of the dipshits that had approached her would have done much better saying 'Hello, Shepard, let's go fuck in the hanger'.

No. That one ended up the infirmary for three weeks.

Funny thing was she never received any complaints from the board about her violent behavior towards the other soldiers. None of them filed a thing.

It had been a few years since all that, though. She'd earned a reputation and it cleared the way of any more of that nonsense. It only amused her when Joker began making the same old tired claims she had heard long ago. Somehow, it suited him, and it didn't bother her in the slightest that he swore he could make any lady swoon. Maybe it was because it wasn't directed at her this time.



“Seriously. See? This is my serious face,” Joker stared up at her with his jaw set firm.

“So, how many dates have you had?”

“Well, plenty! Of course, I...haven't had the time to work my charms lately – being the best pilot in the known galaxy puts you very high in demand.”

“Uh-huh,” Shepard said with a wry grin.

“Oh, right. Yuk it up, Commander. What's the last date you ever had?” he said, sinking in his chair a little sourly. Shepard's smile waned at the question and she brought her hand up as she cleared her throat so he might not see the change. Joker was not so easily fooled. “Oh, come on. Really?”

“Like you said. I don't have time.....or interest,” she murmured the last part as she folded her hands behind her back and straightened her posture.

“Uh.... Commander, you do realize like half the crew would jump if you just asked.”

“I'm not keen on using my position to -”

“Not what I meant. What I'm saying is there are plenty of choices here. How can you possibly have 'no interest'?” She couldn't believe he had just air-quoted her knowing how much she hated the gesture since the Turian Councillor done it. But it was Joker and he was more than likely just trying to ruffle her feathers on purpose.

“I just don't,” she replied. “We have more important things to be concerned about. The Reapers are trying to destroy the galaxy – not exactly the ideal time for a budding romance.”

“It's the best time,” Joker argued. “Imminent danger, saving each other from certain doom, crazy spur-of-the-moment passion?” Shepard crossed her arms now and regarded him with a crooked expression.

“I had no idea you were into that sort of thing.”

“I told you – I'm a romantic. Especially if said romance involves epic space battles.”

Re: Brittle Bones, TenderTouch (1/?)



Joker is an epic space battle romantic.

Following this thread vigilantly.

Re: Brittle Bones, TenderTouch (1/?)

Yes please -- so intrigued. Do continue anon.


OP here almost heart-attacked when she saw it !
It's awesome ! Please do go on, dear Anon ! <3

Re: Brittle Bones, TenderTouch (1/?)

Hmmm, this is definitely going to be fun.
<3 Joker and looking forward to the rest.

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (2/?)

“Sounds like you've been watching too many action vids to me,” she replied with a small, breathy laugh.

“It happens when you're stuck in a bed for most of your childhood. But my heroic back-story aside, I think you would be perfectly interested if you met the right person.”

“Didn't know you were a pilot and a psychoanalyst, Joker.”

“I may not be a people person, but I know people.”

“Alright – if you're so smart - who is my Mister Right?” Shepard could barely contain the grin when she found her question brought Joker's ever-ready responses to a halt. He hadn't been expecting her to ask him that, and she watched his eyes dart off to the side as she waited for an answer.

“Finding a perfect match to one's personality and biological makeup is extremely unlikely, although an agreeable partnership is much more plausible. Examining the Commander's profile suggests that she would enjoy the company of a fellow human with whom she has frequently worked and survived many hardships. These mutual, life-changing experiences would allow a beneficial relationship for both parties.”

Joker stared hard at EDI's sphere, and for a moment Shepard thought he might be sweating. She may have prodded him about his silence had she not been locked in thought about EDI's recommendation. The quiet continued for only a few more heartbeats before EDI added:

“It would seem that Jeff fits--”

“PERFECTLY IN THIS CHAIR!” Joker exclaimed. “Have I mentioned how comfortable it is? Leather seats – real leather!”

“Yes, you've mentioned,” Shepard quipped.
“As I was saying,” he huffed, avoiding her gaze as he went back to tapping at the controls before him. “Considering the galaxy is at stake I completely understand throwing yourself into work and all, but that doesn't mean you should completely ignore other things. You'll miss out..... I know I have.”

“Sounds like you're speaking from experience,” she said softly, noticing the regretful lilt to his voice.
He glanced up at her and gave a mild shrug before turning back to his work.

“Maybe.” Shepard paused, feeling a little guilty for his seeming discomfort with her remark. She gnawed on her lower lip briefly before she leaned down by him with her hand on the back of his chair.

“Well, if you're really the biggest ladies' man in the 'verse then you should be perfect to show me just what I'm missing, right?” she teased. When he looked over at her and she watched his mouth curl into a mischievous grin, she knew she had pulled him out of the somber mood. She kept her own expression challenging and playful, though there was something about the way his eyebrow quirked that made her feel a twinge of unfamiliar nervousness.

“That's dangerous territory, Commander. Not sure you could handle it.”

“Pft, whatever.” She pushed back up to her full height, hands resting at her hips. “You can talk the talk but meet me in my quarters later and we'll see if you can wa--... You know what I mean.” Having completely flubbed her exiting remark, Shepard turned swiftly to go. Joker watched her as much as he was able before his neck refused to give any further. Turning back around her glared at EDI.

“Don't ever do that again.”

“You were fumbling, Mr. Moreau. The conversation needed to be redirected or the outcome would not result as desired.

“We made an agreement. You stay out of my personal files and I stop making you spontaneously break out into show tunes.”

“Your assumption is incorrect, Jeff. I did not need to reference your files to come to my conclusion. Your attraction to the Commander is easily evidenced in your elevated temperature and heart rate whenever she is present in the cockpit.”

“Would you just – shush!” Joker hissed as if he was afraid someone might be listening in.

“Juvenile behavior is also a common result.”

“You're juvenile,” he muttered under his breath. EDI fell silent and Joker suspected if she had eyes she would have been rolling them at him.

“I am taking over the Normandy's controls now, Jeff.” He hated when she said his name like that, with a tone of finality that said that their current discussion had just ended. Despite being an AI she really managed to sound like a typical human female when it came to winning arguments: 'I won, you lost, accept it. No, by the way, there are no do-overs.'

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (2/?)

<3 I don't normally dig Joker, but his voice and EDI's!!! spot on. :) :)

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (2/?)

OP loves you, Anon, OP loves you...<3

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (3/?)

Joker let out a deep breath, knowing that EDI would not unlock the controls until she saw fit. He had the choice of either sitting completely useless in his chair or taking the Commander up on her challenge. There was no contest, really. As he hoisted himself carefully out of the pilot's chair, he decided there was one place he needed to go before he ventured into the unknown that was the Commander's quarters.
* * *
Shepard idly filed through emails and reports on the computer in her cabin. She had buried herself in her work the moment she returned, ignoring the fact that her conversation with a certain pilot had become thoroughly distracting. She couldn't believe she had actually told him to come up to her cabin, much less in order to prove his prowess as a supposed heartbreaker. He probably took it as a joke, right? He couldn't have possibly taken her seriously. It was Joker, after all. Right...?

Her eyes lifted to survey the room and she felt a twinge of panic. She never expected company and the entire room was a disaster. There were datapads and papers scattered all over the desk, unorganized but everything where she could easily find it. Her blankets and pillows were still slung across the bed where she had left them about fifteen hours prior. There was even the wayward pair of underclothes laying at the foot of the step.

Instinctively, she lurched to her feet and began a frenzied attempt to pick up the room. He wasn't coming - he wasn't! But she wasn't about to take that chance! She was fighting with the covers on her bed, trying to get them even and flat when she cursed herself. Why was she acting so terribly unprofessional? If Joker did show up all she had to do was tell him it was a huge misunderstanding and she had merely been joking with him the whole time. The thought led to a memory of Joker's saddened expression from their conversation before. Could she really do that to him? Disappoint him? She planted her face into the mattress and kicked her feet in agitation.

“Get a grip,” she muffled into the bed before lifting her head again. All she had to do was think about this logically. In the event Joker arrived at her door she had two choices: turn him away or invite him in. Well, technically she had already invited him so it would be rude to change her mind now. So he would come in and start laying down those cheesy lines just like all the marines. She would laugh and pat him on the back and say 'Well, guess your charms just don't work on me!', and that would be that. Yes, that would be that.

But as a good soldier she should be prepared for the unexpected. What if he tried to make a move on her? Her fingertips wadded the blanket into their grip. Well, if that happened she would just stop him and tell him how unprofessional it would be to do such a thing. But, then again, what if she indulged him...just a little bit?

'That's dangerous territory, Commander....' Shepard felt a chill run through her spine as Joker's cocky smirk flickered into her memory. No... No, it would just be best to not let this get out of hand.

“Commander Shepard,” EDI's voice cut through her mental berating.

“No! Yes! I mean...What??” she declared, leaping to her feet again.

“Mr. Moreau is requesting entry into your quarters. What is your response?” Shepard shoved the wayward hair out of her face, raking her fingers through it, before tossing the bedding into place and shoving the laundry out of sight.

“ moment!”
* * *
“What's she doing?”

“That would be a breach of privacy, Jeff.”

“Fine.” Joker huffed a breath and let his eyes wander to the bare walls and ceiling before adding, “What's she wearing?”

“Denied.” There was that tone again.

“You're such a party pooper.”

It didn't take much longer before the door finally opened with Shepard there to greet him. Unfortunately, she was not dressed in the lingerie she was so often wearing in his fantasies, but she looked damn good in anything she wore.

“Hello, Joker,” she said, seeming to have a hard time looking him in the eye.

“Am I too early? We didn't exactly set a time or anything.”

“No, it's fine. It's just that I...,” she paused, unable to ignore it any longer. “What is that?”

“Oh,” Joker said with a wry grin. “Like the awesome date I am, I came prepared.”

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (3/?)

-eye twitch-

You just had to stop there, didn't you?

Keep going writeranon!

(I don't even ship Joker/Shepard and I'm loving this)

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (3/?)

"What's she wearing?"


lol, anon! This is pure gold!


Hmmmmm !! OP loves how deliciously awkward Shepard is !
Loving every sentence of it :] You'll have one hell of a reward when this comes to an end I swear it !

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (3/?)


Keep going, author!anon~

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (4/?)

He opened the container he had been holding in front of himself and the scent that Shepard had caught became more heavenly potent. It was something she hadn't smelled in years.

“There's no way,” she insisted, stepping forward to look for herself. Joker's grin had spread about a mile wide by the time she looked up at him again. “Chicken parmigiana?” Shepard was surprised at the amount of disbelief in her own voice. Where had he gotten it? It didn't look like one of the synthesized meals, they tended to look more dry. The smell of the food alone told her it was unmistakably fresh and it was all she could do to stop her mouth from watering. “Okay, I'm stumped. Where did you get it?”

“The mess hall,” Joker replied, his amusement at her reaction perfectly clear.

“Gardner made this?”

“Come on, Shepard,” the pilot stressed, brow tilting.

“You made it?”

“The world must be ending, I know.”

“Oh, I'm sorry,” Shepard said, finally taking a step back. “I didn't mean it like that. It's just rare to see a fresh-cooked meal anywhere but Earth these days. And, besides, it's not like you ever mentioned being able to cook either.”

“A guy's gotta have some secrets,” he grinned. “So... Can I come in or...?”

“Oh, yeah,” she nodded and stepped aside, allowing him room to slip by. Funny thing was she hadn't even second-guessed the gesture. Then again, she reminded herself that it only made sense to honor her invite. Now it was just a matter of keeping things simple. She inhaled the smell of the meal again and sighed, closing her eyes a moment. It smelled absolutely delicious, and it was her favorite, too. He must have found the information in her dossier.

But since when did they include trivial information like that?

Joker couldn't stop himself from smiling as he sat the box on her paper covered desk for lack of a more suitable place. He was really quite proud of himself so far, having managed to actually surprise her. It wasn't something that happened often, or at least not in a good way. He had to admit it had been a bit of work finding the fresh ingredients for their dinner; Gardner's method of sorting and storing things in the kitchen was a haphazard at best. Luckily, it was late enough that the mess hall had been vacant and he had been able to go about his deeds unhindered.

When he had finished meticulously dishing out the food onto two plates he turned to find that Shepard hadn't moved from the doorway where he left her. She seemed lost in thought and for a second he worried that maybe this was a bad idea. But she had been the one to invite him up, so how could he suddenly have made her uncomfortable?

“Earth to Shepard,” he said, waving the dish in front of her subtly until her eyes snapped to attention.

“Thanks,” she said as she took the plate from him. Her expression turned soft, if a little puzzled looking. When he turned to head for the sofa she followed him, waiting until he was comfortable before taking a seat on the opposite side of the corner to face him.

“It's alright, Shepard,” he quipped as he started twirling noodles around his fork.

“What?” she asked, her own fork half in her mouth. The sauce had just barely graced her tongue and it was already making her ravenous.

“I'm not gonna eat you,” he said, expertly getting the pasta in his mouth without so much as a drop of sauce on his chin.

“I didn't think that.” She grimaced when he gave her a disbelieving look. “I'm just not used to company, much less...dates.”

“It was your idea.”

“I know,” she murmured.

“Hey, don't sound so disappointed about it. You might hurt my manly feelings.” When she looked up at him in complete seriousness, questioning the possibility, he grinned and shook his head. “It's the bones that are brittle, not my ego.” It was unusual seeing his Commander so concerned about everything. Perhaps she wasn't used to dealing with things without a gun at her hip. He could understand. He felt much the same way about the Normandy.

“This is really good,” she commented, wiping some sauce from the corner of her mouth and sucking it off her fingertip. Joker grinned broadly, his fork hovering over his plate. “Oh, what now?”

“Man, you're a tease.”

“What? What did I do?” she asked, entirely perplexed.

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (5/?)

God, she was adorable. His Commander was adorable. It wasn't exactly a word he would have used to describe her before. Badass, certainly. Unattainable vixen, of course. Battle temptress, definitely. Adorable? Not so much, until now at least. She hadn't quite blushed yet, but at the rate things were going Joker supposed it wasn't too far off. It was amazing how much she was acting like some young, flustered girl given the circumstances. She was the savior of the galaxy, had died once, and showed nerves of steel in situations where most people would have easily pissed themselves. Joker was more than confident in himself but he knew better than to suppose his mere boyish charms were what was ruffling his Commander. They probably weren't helping, though.

This made absolutely no sense, whatsoever, Shepard mulled in her head. It was Joker for God's sake. JOKER! She'd talked to him thousands upon thousands of times and it was no big deal. Sure, he had brought her dinner – her favorite dinner – but that was hardly cause to act like an idiot. Why did he keep grinning at her like that? Part of her really wished he'd knock it off and the other part of her couldn't get enough of it. Honestly, Joker's smile was one of his best features, particularly when it was genuine. But he was always smiling about something else, not focusing it on her.

Joker figured there was no reason to hide it now, and it felt sort of good to just let the smiles fly all around. She probably didn't know it but more than half of his smirks and grins were directed firmly at her. It was his secret way of expressing an interest he knew she would never notice. She was too damn busy all the time and how was he supposed to openly compete with prettyboys like Alenko or exotic Asari like Liara? But they weren't here now, were they? And here he was in his Captain's cabin, feeding her dinner, making her act like a girl. His creaky legs be damned – life was bliss.

Shepard managed to finish the rest of her meal in relative silence, keeping her eyes averted from the pilot so as not to be thrown off by his glances. It gave her a little time to regain and reassure herself that this was nothing but a casual meeting. She was in control. Nothing would happen that she didn't want to happen. She relished the feeling of contentment that a full stomach gave her, and finally granted her guest a proper look.

“That was lovely. Thank you, Joker,” she said, rising to her feet and moving to retrieve his plate from where he had placed it on the sofa beside him. Joker took note at the more normal tone and body language Shepard had taken on. That would make the next few seconds quite interesting.

As she leaned down to stack the plates, he swiftly, though gently, captured her free hand in his own. Her eyes darted over to him and he smiled, pressing a gentle kiss on her fingers before releasing them.

“No, thank you,” he murmured. Shepard froze momentarily even after he had let go and then seemed to lurch into action again like a slow-motion video returning to proper speed. She nearly tripped on the step but somehow managed to make it look like she planned to hop over it entirely.

Joker didn't watch her retreat or see her fumble, though he was almost certain he could hear it. Well, she hadn't hauled off and punched him yet, that was a good sign. He was equally delighted at being so close to her for once, actually being able to kiss her – if only just her hand. He could have hoped for more, but he didn't dare. This was his chance and he wasn't about to blow it by giving into some inane fantasy. This was damned real and if there was one hope he did have, it was that he didn't screw things up before he got a chance to say it. She was amazing and inspiring and for once he wasn't the only one making himself believe that he mattered. He adored her, loved her with everything he was and there wouldn't be another cycle gone by without him saying so.

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (5/?)

So awesome! Go for it, Joker!

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (5/?)

Go, Joker, go! You can do it! xD

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (6/?)

Shepard could only wish her thoughts were so clear. As she placed the dishes back into the mess hall container, she discovered she couldn't get the feeling of Joker's lips off her hand. Her skin was tingling and no matter how much she rubbed her fingers the sensation wouldn't go away. It wasn't a terrible thing to experience, in fact it rather thrilled her, but it was ridiculously foreign. She gave an almost soundless laugh, bemused by the fact that she was so intimate with her crew mates but something as simple as this had her reeling.

“You okay?” his voice carried in the space of her quarters and she turned to find him leaning on the support beam near the step. He reached up and scratched at his brow with a thumb, nudging his trademark cap out of the way just a bit. She found he gesture endearing. As she gazed at him, a sense of warmth washed over her. Just like she had been telling herself this whole time: this was Joker. This was the pilot that had been with her through thick and thin, the man who had saved her ass as much as she had saved his. He was the last person she had seen before she died, and the first person she had reunited with when she came back to life. She really was being a fool.

“Yeah,” she said, smiling now. “Listen, Joker.... I really need to apologize.”

“For what?” he asked, standing straight now. For once, he was the one to look confused.

“I called you up here on a dare and that was perfectly childish of me.”

“It's okay, we can all stand a little juvenile behavior.” He emphasized 'juvenile' in case a certain AI was listening in.

“I really did appreciate the dinner. It was very thoughtful of you. Honestly, I don't even know how you figured it out.”

“I'm resourceful,” he said, walking casually towards her best he could manage.

“I just don't think I've been very hospitable.....”

“I'll get over it if you do me one small favor.” Shepard paused and looked up at him. She hadn't realized that he had drawn so close, or that he was actually taller than she was. Given that he was always seated it wasn't really a surprise that she would only notice it now.

“What?” He reached up and carefully unfolded her fingers that had been tangling and wringing themselves relentlessly in the last few minutes without her knowing.

“Relax,” he said lightly before reaching up and brushing the wayward hair out of her face and around her ear. Joker would have commended himself for being so daring, but he was too busy admiring her eyes to really think about it. He had seen them express many different things, but never had they been so innocent looking as they had now. “I mean you're usually pretty tense, but I figured that might let up a little once the guns stopped blazing.... Especially after such a delectable meal.”

“About that...,” she hesitated.

“Are you.... You're blushing.” He was grinning again. “Geez, Commander, you're making this way too eas--”

“I'm a virgin!!” she declared out of nowhere. Joker blinked, a little startled at her outburst, and from the look on her face she seemed just as surprised.

“Ah...ha.. Well, I guess if you're completely rebuilt, technically that makes sense,” he chuckled, still unsure of how to react.

“No, I mean before that,” Shepard blurted. “I'm not playing hard to get, Joker. I just never...”

“Oh. Uh. Wow... Alright,” he nodded, about a million different thoughts rushing through his head, dizzying him. Shepard was a virgin. His Commander was a virgin. Untouched, unsullied, pure Shepard. It didn't bother him in the slightest, rather it spoke to a very naughty part of him that he indulged with his late night vid escapades. And Shepard? Shit, it was like hitting a double whammy.

“Joker, why are you pinching yourself?” Shepard pulled him from his daydreaming and he dropped the hand from his arm.

“Sorry,” he shook his head. “Just a little surprised.”

“Why's that surprising? I told you I never had time.”

“Yeah, but like I said just about everyone on this ship would jump at the chance. I'm sure you could have made time if you wanted.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Would you...jump..?”

He laughed gently, tugging the bill of his cap down a little and averting his gaze from her. “My legs aren't so hot on the jumping thing, but...I've fallen more than once..."

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (6/?)


/capslock fangirl

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (6/?)

"...I've fallen more than once"


Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (6/?)

Haha, you do Joker so well. Can't wait until you make your next update!

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (7/?)

For the first time since he arrived he had simply rendered her speechless. She stared up at him with those vibrant eyes he had only happened to glimpse from time to time. Now he really looked, searching them as long as she would allow it, memorizing the view for later. She seemed to be doing the same, but he knew with the way she squinted, slightly wrinkling up her nose, that she was deciphering his words. It made him feel a little twitchy, if not a little nervous.


“Jeff now, huh?” he said with a quirk of his brow.

“Is that true?” The seriousness in her face made the usual jesting retort that might have escaped him stop dead in its tracks.


“That's it?” she asked, folding her arms over her chest. Joker opened his mouth but shut it again. What did she mean ' That's it?'

“For a 'ladies' man' you sure are slow on the uptake,” she said.

“I'm....what?” he asked, clearly confused now.

“Or maybe it was me,” she sighed, brushing her fingertips over her forehead. “I never seem to be able to flirt properly.”

“You were flirting...? When?” Joker asked, trying not to sound too incredulous.

“All the time, Jeff! I visited you all the time. We've been through so much together. I figured you got the hint but you never said anything so I figured you weren't interested! Hell, saving you from the burning Normandy should have made a dent!”

It was Joker's turn to stare at her wordlessly, now.

“Okay.... One: You save everybody you happen to trip over. And two: are you telling me you've been hitting on me for years??”

“I do NOT!” she gaped at him in disbelief. “I save people who need saving! I shoot everyone else!”

“Then you may as well have shot me, because I didn't need saving! And you didn't answer the question!”

“Oh, so I should have just let you burn up in that deathtrap of a ship?!”

“Hey, don't you dare talk about my baby like that...,” he warned. “You have no idea....I lost everything that day!” Shepard let her arms drop to her sides and stared at him with her familiar indecipherable gaze.

She had tried desperately not to let the Lazarus experience jade her, not to feel bitter about how two years had changed everything and everyone. The last thing she wanted to do was downplay everyone's trials and tragedies, but for every loss they counted off to her it was as though they forgot hers. Joker had been the only one who treated her as though she had never left. He didn't become suspicious and question the how or why or her choices. He was still the pilot and she was still the Commander he had the utmost confidence in. Now it seemed he assumed that she didn't fathom how big his losses had been. For once, she wasn't sure she was in the mood for being sympathetic.

“Joker,” she said. “I think you should - “

Joker wasn't about to let her finish that sentence. It never ended well. It was funny how she had just accused him of being blind to her flirting when she didn't even notice half of what was flying over her own head. She was usually so smart and intuitive, too. Shepard always was a woman of action, though, so it seemed like there was only one sure way to get the message firmly across.

Joker quickly closed the gap between them, forgetting the ache in his legs from standing too long as he grasped her face in his hands and kissed her. For the first few moments he merely paused there, allowing her the chance to refuse, but when she didn't he he kissed her again, and then one more time for good measure. It wasn't until halfway through the second one that Shepard realized what was happening and awkwardly returned the gesture. At least she hadn't reacted violently. That was always a good sign.

“You think I meant the Normandy, don't you...?” he asked her quietly, looking her straight in the eyes once they lifted again to meet his. “And here I thought nothing got by you, Commander.”

“But you just said that - “

“Okay, I'll be the gentleman here and clue you in... As completely ass backwards as the whole scenario was, with the bruised ego and broken bones, your saving me was so very 'epic space battle romance'.”

“You...enjoyed that??”

“Well, once I got past the initial 'shit, holy shit, fuck, fuck, what the shit' part, I had a fanboyish moment there, yeah.”

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (7/?)

I do not think there are words for how much I am loving this, author-anon. It's not a pairing I'd given much thought to, but you've sold me completely, and your characterization of Joker is just spot on. I particularly loved:

“Okay.... One: You save everybody you happen to trip over. And two: are you telling me you've been hitting on me for years??”

“I do NOT!” she gaped at him in disbelief. “I save people who need saving! I shoot everyone else!”

:D :D :D

Cannot wait for more.

Re: Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (7/?)

Every time there's a new update for this, my heart simultaneously grows three sizes and I laugh so hard my coffee goes all over my screen. Oh anon, this is beautiful~

("I shoot everyone else"? AWESOME. And so true~)

Brittle Bones, Tender Touch (8/?)

He was relieved to see a small hint of a smile quirk at her lips.

“You really didn't change, did you?” she asked, though it sounded more like she was telling herself than really asking.

“That's not entirely true. I did change for awhile. Can't exactly go through an experience like we did without being affected.”

“You're telling me,” she mused.

“There I was; the best pilot in the known galaxy, no ship, no license to fly.... No insane but somehow irresistible Commander to scream at me over the comm.” He looked off to the side winsomely. “There was nothing I could do but sit mindlessly in front of the vid screen all day and dream of her luscious warrior curves...and cry bitter, tough-guy tears as I mourned my loss.”

“How horrible for you,” she smirked.

“But then came along Cerberus, and they had the technology to bring you back – faster, stronger....” His gaze cast down slightly. “...and I'm pretty certain with some extra padding in places.”

“Okay, okay. Enough of the cheesy and slightly perverted sci-fi recap,” she finally let out a laugh. “There's something we need to address here.”

“Oh? Do tell,” he smiled widely. Shepard snapped her fingers up by her eyes to command his attention away from her bust. “Yes? Sorry, I went to my happy place.”

“If it wasn't obvious to either of us before, now we know that the attraction is mutual. The question is...where do we take it from there?” Joker's eyes idly wandered to the left once or twice, and then he lolled his head in the same direction none too subtly, towards her bed. “Jeff.”

“What? Come on. Like you said, we're attracted. We could die any day. Reapers are on our doorstep. You're behind on your life experiences, Commander. Seize the day.” She was about to say something, but she completely forgot what it was when she suddenly found herself being hoisted into his arms. The action wasn't as swift and smooth as it may have been in the space romances he so seemed to love, but there she was nonetheless. It was a little awkward for her to be swept off her feet in the most literal sense, but there was something about being cradled in the pilot's arms that made her heart flutter.

“Are you okay doing this?” she asked as he turned with the utmost caution towards her bedroom.

“Probably not. Just work with me here,” he said, managing a smile as he shuffled a little bit across the floor. Shepard watched his face quietly. She saw him strain, pausing once or twice carrying her weight. His arms held her firmly with no tremor of weakness but she knew that it was his legs taking the brunt of the act. It was clear from the look on his face that he was determined to do this so she kept quiet. It was difficult not to tell him to set her down when he struggled with the step, but he managed to descend it with some effort. He took the last few feet with a little more fervor and set her down, promptly letting himself slowly lay over her, face buried against her waist.


“I'm good. Really. Good,” he murmured into her stomach. Shepard snorted a little and he turned his head to look at her.

“Sorry... That tickled,” she said, biting her lip.

“I would so take advantage of that if my arms weren't pinned under you,” he said. Shepard carefully removed her weight from his arms, snatching his hat and placing it her head as she turned to face him. She couldn't help but snort back a laugh again as his hair flipped up, unkempt and tousled. “What? You don't dig the hat-hair?”

“Only you could make it look good, Jeff,” she teased. He smiled and carefully lowered himself on the bed next to her.

“As usual, you're right. Don't think I'll go running around the bridge without my cap anytime soon, though. Don't think I'd get taken seriously.”

“No one takes you seriously anyway.”

“Ow. My ego,” he intoned blandly before lowering himself down to lay, legs still half off the bed. “Shit, you really got it made up here, Shepard... Even sleeping in my chair isn't this comfortable.”

“I wouldn't know. Don't get to use it much."

“Pity,” he pouted. “Can I use it, then?”

“With or without me?” she asked, leaning over him. He looked up into her shadowed features, framed by the overhead view of the stars. It was a gorgeous sight all around, complete with all his favorite things.

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